Receiving = Giving = Receiving

My more distant past had me in a place where I could financially give.  My recent past had me in a place where I had to learn to receive.  I'm now enjoying a place where I can give again.  Our society and culture assign a much different connotation to giving than receiving.  For the most part it is often openly vocalized that it's "good" to give to others less fortunate.  The unspoken part of that equation is that it's "bad" to be in a position to need that sort of assistance and to even ask for assistance when we need it.  Under the guise of doing good, many givers use giving as a way to stroke their own egos, to feel better about themselves, often making their efforts public or bragging about it.  There's no more selfish way of going about what should be an unselfish act.  I can say that I was very guilty of this sort of giving in my past.

It wasn't until I was in position of needing help that I learned the true spirit of giving.  Early in my single-motherhood, I had a serious back injury and had no choice but to let other people give.  They had to give me sponge baths, they had to do my dirty laundry, they had to cook in my kitchen.  They had to drive me around, lend me money, pay my bills and "hold my hair" when pain meds made me sick.  I had no choice but to receive.  It very much bruised my ego, made me feel very needy and burdensome.  It did not take long for me to learn the humble spirit of receiving resides in gratitude.  If I denied help or was resentful and ungrateful, I actually hurt the ones that were trying to help me the most.  I needed the help so I had to very quickly swallow my pride and give the only thing I had in return...gratitude.

At the same time I was very much struggling with money-control issues left over from my marriage.  Money stress had been making me crazy and I would make fear based decisions that left me broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.  As I prayed for more paychecks, my day to day needs were quietly met through gifts of food, gift cards, small gifts of cash, medical bills being forgiven, etc.  It was through other people's giving that I gained lessons of faith, gratitude and humility.

I'm now, very gratefully in a position to be giving to others, and God has provided opportunity to help make a difference in lives close to mine.  But my giving this time is very different.  It isn't about me and my ego, it's about what the person receiving truly needs.  Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a full gas tank, sometimes it's a hot meal, sometimes it's just an ear and a shoulder.  But now that my ego is out of the way, I can give my whole self to the opportunity, and meet the true need.  The gift is not the money or food, the gift is the acceptance and non-judgemental support.  What I gain in return is learning the value of gracious giving, of learning how to meet the needs of others out of love and acceptance, not fear and rejection.

Do not feel bad about needing.  Givers can't give without someone needing their gift.  It's a two way street, receivers need givers, givers need receivers.  Again, do not feel bad about needing, do not feel resentful about giving....you are not giving/receiving actual items like food and clothing and money.  What you are giving and receiving is the opportunity to learn deeper meanings of the spiritual truths of unselfishness, humility, compassion, gratitude, grace and love.  You are being God's instrument of their spiritual growth.  Deny giving or receiving from one another, you deny God's gifts.  If you can have this understanding, then you don't expect repayment for your giving..because in your giving you have already received abundantly in spirit.  All you hope for is that whomever received your gift will in turn give to someone else in need....and there is always someone in more need than you.

Visions of {fill in the blank}....

I'm a huge fan and practician of vision boards.  I started my first vision board after reading "The Secret", as a part of a work related focus/networking group.  At the time, I thought the book was a lot of hooey, but being a visual thinker the vision board idea caught like wildfire for me.  My first board was a modest one foot by two feet, demure thin black frame.  I tentatively added one or two images a week, never really completely filling it up.  My images included materialistic things mostly, or image conscious things with the occasional wistful hope for my mostly hopeless life.

Today my vision board takes up the better part of one of my bedroom walls, it's sturdy, with a wide, decorative red frame (red is my favorite color!).  I often remove everything and spend an entire day filling it up until I run out of space...overflowing onto the wall around it.  My most recent re-vision :) includes almost nothing material, every image and word on the board is related or connected to a principle.  And yes, Faith, Hope, Love and Grace are central themes.  My metamorphosis is physically, emotionally and spiritually awe-striking and deeply humbling.

I started my first board over three years ago.  I placed the impossible on that board.  Today, I'm 70 pounds lighter, I'm single, free of a harmful marriage, I'm financially at ease, I'm on speaking terms with God again......and I wake up with joy every single morning.  I really do, there are no more mornings of dread and disappointment.  My first vision board was a conglomeration of unconscious, unspoken prayers.  Things I know needed to change in my life, but I was at a complete loss as to how to make those changes happen.  Today my vision board is clear, conscious, detailed, specific intentions about the person I want to be.  My teenage boys even put things on my board, because they've seen results in my life.

I truly believe that God has a plan for us, and that part of that plan is us being fulfilled, happy individuals.  It's ok for us to ask for what we want.  God knows our heart, He knows our intentions and He knows what we need.  He is an expert at reading between the lines of our hopes and fears.  Maybe we ask for a million dollars...He knows we are asking for financial security.  We may not receive a million dollars, but we will receive abundance in a million different ways.  We may ask for new clothes, a fancy car, a big house.  What He hears is that we want to feel good about ourselves.  We may not receive materialistic goods, but we may receive an opportunity to better ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Recently I went through a book with a handful of other people in a workshop.  I think the single most important lesson I learned from this experience was the importance of setting goals, of setting the intention to fulfill that goal and then letting go of the outcome.  I know it sounds contradictory.  But it goes back to sharing our hopes, fears and desires with God, being willing to do the footwork while being accepting of whatever possible outcome God has in store for us.  In my personal experience, God's answers to my prayers, conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken always far exceed any expectation I ever have.  And one of the best side effects is not having to worry, or be fearful, or be stressed out.  My heart is right, I'm doing my utmost best, the rest is happily in God's hands.

So go make a vision board, I dare ya. ;).  It has been my most profound lesson in Faith, thus far.

Overthinkeritis.....God Bless This Mess I've Made

I'm a dyed in the wool chronic overthinker.  A worrywort with a high IQ.  With (not so) brief flashes of control freak.  But I'm not OCD.  OCD.  OCD.  I can think myself into a frenzy that makes a perfect storm of crazymaking look like a gentle summer evening breeze.  I can literally worry myself sick with migraines, insomnia, exacerbation of my chronic illness, weight gain.  Please join me in saying, "That's no way to live"...and follow it up with a hearty "Amen!".

Someone pretty Awesome and Amazing whispered in my ear once, "Have faith".  Not only am I an overthinker, but I'm stubborn to boot.  I really am too smart for my own good and become my own worst enemy.  But, fine...faith.  So I set about studying, testing, proving and disproving faith.  I read books, I read the bible, I talked about it, I prayed about it.  When I was first exploring faith, I was also becoming newly re-acquainted with God after a long period of The Silent Treatment.  So I would pray these long, elaborate prayers telling God how things were going to go.  I'm sure if you listened in it would have sounded like trade negotiations between warring countries....a lose-lose scenario all the way around.

I'd do one of two things.  I'd get frustrated and/or desperate and surrender a big thing to Him, let Him work his miracle, then I'd take back over to manage (control) the details.  Or, I'd test faith by putting forth some sort of ultimatum about some small issue.  Talk about doing things the hard way.  But as time passed, as I learned more about faith and as God continued to patiently shower me in gentle grace, I became more and more comfortable trusting Him with both big and small things.

Light Bulb Moment!

The key was that I started to discover the distinct relationship between fear and faith.  Everytime I was struggling to trust God with something, I was able to admit feeling very fearful about the outcome of the same something.  Being able to let go of my fears is directly proportionate to me being able to let faith rush in.  As I come to understand the faith/fear ratio more clearly, it becomes so much easier to trust God. My prayers become less elaborate, knowing the final outcome and timeline become less important...and I worry so much less.

Being a single mom, money is always a concern, and this is where God has taught me my best lessons with faith.  Also self-employed, I'd become downright frantic about my next paycheck and where it might come from.  I'd worry about my lights staying on, I'd worry about feeding my kids, I'd worry about gas in my car, etc., etc., etc.  Again, I'd pray these elaborate, self-piting prayers...asking that so and so sign a contract because I really really needed the money for such and such.  One day, exhauste from worry, I just stopped and said, "God bless my bank account". And guess what?   I didn't win the lottery, but my lights stayed on, food was on my table, my car never ran out of gas.  I don't always have money, but I'm always taken care of, one way or another.  Nice side benefit, I've learned gratitude on a much deeper level.  But that's a whole 'nuther post.

God knows what we want, He knows what we need.  But more importantly He knows what our ultimate potential is and how that will work into His plan for us.  Take fear out of the equation (sometimes our first prayer!) and share with God your hopes, dreams and desires.  His intention for you will far outshine anything you can imagine.  A simple "God bless this mess I've made", a humble willingness to do the footwork, and patience is all it takes.