All I Want for Christmas....is a BIG HUG!

'Tis the season....for celebrating, for reflecting, for giving, for family and all things merry and bright.  But for many it is a dreaded time of year when we wrestling with the little demons that hide in our dark corners. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, family dysfunction and various afflictions of the body and spirit find their way to center stage of our lives.  Maybe we are recently alone, due to divorce, death of a loved one, relocation...or any other normal life event.  Sometimes these things have to happen, but that doesn't necessarily take away the pain of the accompanying loneliness.

I usually don't mind being alone as I've always been a more solitary person since early childhood. I actually need and enjoy time to myself, and almost never have a problem entertaining myself.  But this year has been different; I have not experienced deep aching loneliness like this ever.  And I have to add I have not dealt with it as graciously as I would have liked.  There has been a lot of self-pity involved and a little dancing with the demons, to put it politely.

This morning, as I opened my bible to Psalms, I started reading at Psalms 23...which is a very good place for the lonely to start.  But I read through Psalms 25 and verses 16-21 reached into my heart, soothing some of that ache.  I immediately used this Psalm as a prayer...adding "Father, please.." to the beginning of each verse.  Please read:

Psalms 25: 16-21 ~

16 - (Father, please) Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted. 

 17 - (Father, please) Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

18 - (Father, please) Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.

19 - (Father, please) See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me! 

 20 - (Father, please) Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.

21 - (Father, please) May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord, is in you.

For those that suffer during this time of year, this is a humble, honest, beautiful plea to our Father for the love and grace only He can provide.  Many that are lonely this time of year turn to various addictions...alcohol, drugs, spending, eating and so many more.  Addictions are truly afflictions and troubles of the heart, that cause spiritual anguish and exacerbate emotional and physical anguish.  When we get caught up in cycles of addiction and sin, shame is close behind and we further isolate ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally from the solution....the company of family, friends, fellowship and most of all God, all those that love us in their unique ways.  

We start to categorize the very solution as the problem, as our enemy.  We play mind games with ourselves, making all sorts of excuses based on the sore spots in our lives...relationships, finances, family history, etc., etc.  We become resentful of our loved ones, of our jobs, pitying ourselves and pulling at any loose thread we can find to justify unraveling our well being, self-medicating instead of surrendering it all to our Father.

If this sounds like someone you know, I would urge you to reach out to the folks in your life that may be hurting, in any way that you can.  Even a simple phone call, text message or email saying "I'm thinking about you" can mean so much to someone that is in the depths of depression.  Invite them to celebrate with you, and if that isn't possible, then invite them to a cup of coffee or drop off a meal.  Sometimes, they are so deep in despair that they cannot pull themselves out, and a simple kind gesture, even if they don't accept or acknowledge it, is the leg-up out of the pit they need.  And pray for them...there's nothing more powerful that we can do for one another.

If this message is ringing true to you as one who is grappling with loneliness, depression, anguish, addiction or heartache right now, use Psalm 25: 16-21 as your Christmas prayer.  Ask God to grace you with His love, providing for you the integrity and protection you need in your life to get through the holiday season.  He understands that we turn to our vices when we hurt, He understands pain like no one else can, but He is also ready and willing to deliver us from our sin, from our shame, from our pain and anguish.  Let Him shine His brilliant light into our darkest corners, chasing away the demons that have taken up residence there.  All we have to do is ask, to lay our broken hearts in His lap, allowing Him do His best work.  Almost more importantly, listen for His answers...they may come as opportunities to serve others, to express gratitude, to heal and to love.  In other words, He will find things to keep us busy, in order to keep us out of trouble.

Wishing you much peace and joy this Christmas! 

Update: Patience

Funny how when you just set your mindset to something it starts to materialize.  I'm 19 days into a 21 day e-course on patience.  The concept and practices have been broken down into bite size pieces that are easier to swallow, digest and practice.  And I feel like it's been working.  I'm knee-jerk reacting less and more carefully and thoughtfully responding more.  I'm always my own toughest critic, and I'm being more patient with myself and others.

A side effect that I didn't expect is how actively practicing more patience is making me slow the heck down on lots of things, really think about them and come to more meaningful conclusions and decisions.  Now when confronted with issues, situations, less than ideal circumstances, etc., I am thinking about what's important to me, what's going to be the best outcome for me and does this outcome meet my blossoming higher standards of self-respect, self-worth, trust and what's acceptable in my life despite the positive or negative emotions involved.  And I'm finding that, for the first time in my life, I'm choosing the sometimes more difficult path to adhere to those standards. 

Why?  Because my life depends on it.  My physical, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on my being true to the perfect creation God created me to be.  He doesn't make mistakes, people do.  My injuries and wounds have for two long held me hostage to other people's injuries and wounds.  I know that that isn't God's will for me.  I have to believe that He wants me to be content, to feel loved, respected, trusted.  And I believe that He has given me permission to no longer tolerate repeated behavior from myself and others that leaves me feeling anything less than.

Saying goodbye to people you love that don't treat you well is hard, difficult and painful.  But through my faith I have reassurance that I'm on the right path, that being alone is better than allowing myself to be treated poorly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

The Art of Being Alone...not Lonely.

Every so often I catch myself craving time to myself.  I work a pretty intense job, I have kids, an active social life, a newly blossoming romance....but I need my "me time".  Being a recovering co-dependant, this is new to me.  Even if I was alone, I was constantly on the phone, or texting, emailing, on Facebook or dating sites.  I was too lonely to learn how to be alone.

But as my relationship with God grows my need for constant interaction with others diminishes.  And I've noticed all of my relationships have improved.  My previously unhealthy relationship habits are falling away and I'm truly becoming a good friend that doesn't need to dominate or control or give constant advice.  I listen.  I empathize, sometimes even with patience :).  I wait until asked before offering my thoughts.  My sense of value comes from my relationship with God now, so I no longer need my relationships to validate who I am.  My relationships have moved to being more balanced..and when the scales start to tip one way or the other a little too far I'm recognizing it.  And instead of reacting to the imbalance, I'm being thoughtful in my actions to correct the balance.  I may not always go about it in the best way, but I'm learning.

Because God loves me and accepts me for who I am...I no longer fear rejection from others.  I no longer worry so much about what others think or how I'm making them feel.  I no longer worry about being lonely and am content in being alone.  I'm not just ok taking a romance slowly, but see the beauty in letting it develop at it's own pace, and I am completely understanding why romance should unfold slowly.  I've decided to live a life of love, loving God, myself and all others.  If I mistakenly hurt someone, I make ammends as soon as I can do so sincerely and authentically.

Spending time alone allows me space to heal from old wounds and fresh ones, it creates enough perspective that I can respond with love and compassion.  Spending time alone in prayer and meditation expands my faith and feeds my hopes and dreams...some of which are sharing my life with an amazing man, that will continue to allow me my "aloneness".

I challenge readers to start deliberately spending time alone with God.  Invest in that relationship, and all of your other relationships will improve dramatically.  I promise. :).

Expectation VS. Hope

"For many of us, expectation is based on control, hope is based on trust." - anonymous

As I go through this constant process of renewal, recovery, redefining who I am...I will sometimes turn a corner and run into a new version of myself that I had not realized existed.  This last weekend I was warmly greeted and became fast friends with a version of myself that has (finally) let go of unrealistic expectations and now dwells in blossoming hope.  It was a very pleasant surprise, and I've been thinking about hope vs. expectation ever since...thus this writing. :).

What I'm coming to is that just like fear, there are normal, healthy expectations in life and love.  If you set your alarm clock, it will wake you.  Sometimes the expected does not happen, we are disappointed and have to scramble to recover the loss...emotionally, physically and/or spiritually.  But also just like fear, expectation and its counterpart disappointment, can quickly spiral out of control and become very unrealistic to the people and circumstances involved, especially when we are engaged in unhealthy relationships.  In order to maintain healthy expectations, you have to assess, understand and accept people and circumstances for what they are...and adjust your expectations accordingly.

But what too often happens is that we become fearful of a negative outcome and setting certain expectations becomes a means of controlling that outcome.  We often enter into a tug-of-war of expectations with a loved one, without once communicating our fears, needs and desires openly, simply and honestly.  We play the game of "If I, he will" or "If he doesn't, I won't", etc., etc., etc. often fatally limiting the outcome to our predefined set of parameters. When the desired outcome doesn't happen, and we are disappointed, our loved one has no idea why or how or what they did wrong. 

So now lets bring hope onto the playing field.  If we let go of our fears, we let go of the expected (limited) outcome.  We can now start to hope for limitless possibilities that exceed all of our expectations.  And hope always exceeds expectation.  Hope is rooted in Faith that God has a plan for us, that His plan is far more vast and comprehensive than we can imagine.  Hope is the little sister to Love, the two often holding hands, whistling and skipping down God's path ahead of us, clearing the way for a miraculous, abundant life.  And all it takes is Faith, or trust, that God loves us.  Wherever Faith goes, Love and Hope are sure to follow.

This is all nice and airy-fairy...but how does it apply to our life, everyday?  I'll share the moment I had this weekend.  I have a love interest that has recently re-entered my life.  When we knew each other before our circumstances were far from ideal, practically and morally.  I was also very fear driven, and would get very upset and disappointed, which I often took out on him, when he had to cancel plans with me, usually by just not showing up.  Our circumstances have changed, we are taking the slower, "right" path...there has been much forgiveness for past transgressions and much more acceptance and understanding....and apparently I no longer live in a fearful state. 

I had invited him to a Labor Day BBQ at a friend's home, and clearly said that it was an open invitation only, I wasn't expecting him to join me.  The morning of, he texted me that he wouldn't be joining, and was very defensive about it.  He was reacting to an expected backlash from me...  But, he had acted differently than before, and I am not the same person I was before.  He spoke his true feelings and maintained what was right and best for him in the situation.  The no longer fearful version of me was able to immediately recognize that, not be hurt or offended, and was able to honor it with nothing but reassurance and support.  No hurt feelings, no disappointment, we both went on with our happy day doing exactly what we wanted to do.  Sure, I was mildly disappointed at not getting to see him, but we would not have enjoyed our time together if he was there out of obligation or fear of disappointing me.

Who expects flowers to grow in pavement?  Hope does.

So the real-in-my-life conclusion I came to is that because of the personsal growth and recovery I've enjoyed at the hands of God, it reasonable to expect that I won't enter into another relationship that does not include mutual respect of our individual and shared priorities.  Because of my faith in God's plan, I can hope that this man will be a part of that future.

And Then There Was One.....

I've been single for nearly three years now.  It has not been glamorous and at times it has been far from gracious.  It's been sometimes messy and at other times it's been a downright train wreck.  But the beauty in it all....is that from day one I put the decision in God's hands.  I didn't do this out of any sort of desire to be devout. Far from it......I was scared.  To death.  Literally on many fronts, but spiritually most of all.

It was a warm evening in late summer, near dusk.  I was pacing a deck on a house that backed to acres upon acres of wilderness.  The sun was setting and the stars were starting to blossom in the night sky.  An unseasonably warm wind was blowing about, my hair whipping up now and again, my skirt getting caught at the wind's whim.  I had the means to leave, I had the opportunity, the timing was right...but I was so scared. I was scared of being on my own, scared of being alone, scared of hurting myself and my kids, and even my husband, scared of failing.  As I paced I argued and debated with myself all of the pros and cons until I thought myself in circles.

Finally, I just gave up.  I stopped pacing, I started crying...and I prayed.  This may not seem like a big deal, and to many of you it'd be a "no-brainer".  But this was my first real, conscious communication with God in years.  I had been very angry with God about many things.  So me making a desperate plea from a broken heart was equivalent to the destruction of the Berlin Wall.  It was no small thing and changed the course of my life. 

I put the whole mess of emotions, doubts, fears and shy hopes in God's hands.  I asked that He make the decision for me, and that He guide my path effortlessly in either direction, His choice, and I promised to obey.  All I asked for was love...that either way it would lead to the kind of love that I was missing and needed.   From that point forward a path unfolded in front of me that, within weeks, lead me right out the door of a marriage that was harmful not only to me, but to my husband and to my children.  I've had friends and acquaintances compliment me on my courage, my bravery and my grace in handling the departure.  I can claim none of that.  All I did was chicken out, God did the rest.  And I thank Him every day.

Since then, I've been traveling a lovely, messy, sometimes-gracious-but-sometimes-not path of healing.  Along that path I've regained Hope for a healthy, loving, intimate relationship with a wonderful man.  I thank God every day that he did not allow me to jump into another harmful relationship immediately, and there's been plenty of opportunity.  He has put a desire in my heart for the right relationship with the right man, and my heart is stubborn.

I have learned to deal with loneliness and longing, with aching for affection, with the need for companionship and intimacy you can only find in a loving relationship with a mate.  Today, I'm ok being single.  I'm ok being alone.  Because my stubborn heart is determined to wait.

Recently, I came across this song from my new favorite band, Little Big Town.  Today, I "Live with Lonesome" by choice.