All I Want for Christmas....is a BIG HUG!

'Tis the season....for celebrating, for reflecting, for giving, for family and all things merry and bright.  But for many it is a dreaded time of year when we wrestling with the little demons that hide in our dark corners. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, family dysfunction and various afflictions of the body and spirit find their way to center stage of our lives.  Maybe we are recently alone, due to divorce, death of a loved one, relocation...or any other normal life event.  Sometimes these things have to happen, but that doesn't necessarily take away the pain of the accompanying loneliness.

I usually don't mind being alone as I've always been a more solitary person since early childhood. I actually need and enjoy time to myself, and almost never have a problem entertaining myself.  But this year has been different; I have not experienced deep aching loneliness like this ever.  And I have to add I have not dealt with it as graciously as I would have liked.  There has been a lot of self-pity involved and a little dancing with the demons, to put it politely.

This morning, as I opened my bible to Psalms, I started reading at Psalms 23...which is a very good place for the lonely to start.  But I read through Psalms 25 and verses 16-21 reached into my heart, soothing some of that ache.  I immediately used this Psalm as a prayer...adding "Father, please.." to the beginning of each verse.  Please read:

Psalms 25: 16-21 ~

16 - (Father, please) Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted. 

 17 - (Father, please) Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

18 - (Father, please) Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.

19 - (Father, please) See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me! 

 20 - (Father, please) Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.

21 - (Father, please) May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord, is in you.

For those that suffer during this time of year, this is a humble, honest, beautiful plea to our Father for the love and grace only He can provide.  Many that are lonely this time of year turn to various addictions...alcohol, drugs, spending, eating and so many more.  Addictions are truly afflictions and troubles of the heart, that cause spiritual anguish and exacerbate emotional and physical anguish.  When we get caught up in cycles of addiction and sin, shame is close behind and we further isolate ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally from the solution....the company of family, friends, fellowship and most of all God, all those that love us in their unique ways.  

We start to categorize the very solution as the problem, as our enemy.  We play mind games with ourselves, making all sorts of excuses based on the sore spots in our lives...relationships, finances, family history, etc., etc.  We become resentful of our loved ones, of our jobs, pitying ourselves and pulling at any loose thread we can find to justify unraveling our well being, self-medicating instead of surrendering it all to our Father.

If this sounds like someone you know, I would urge you to reach out to the folks in your life that may be hurting, in any way that you can.  Even a simple phone call, text message or email saying "I'm thinking about you" can mean so much to someone that is in the depths of depression.  Invite them to celebrate with you, and if that isn't possible, then invite them to a cup of coffee or drop off a meal.  Sometimes, they are so deep in despair that they cannot pull themselves out, and a simple kind gesture, even if they don't accept or acknowledge it, is the leg-up out of the pit they need.  And pray for them...there's nothing more powerful that we can do for one another.

If this message is ringing true to you as one who is grappling with loneliness, depression, anguish, addiction or heartache right now, use Psalm 25: 16-21 as your Christmas prayer.  Ask God to grace you with His love, providing for you the integrity and protection you need in your life to get through the holiday season.  He understands that we turn to our vices when we hurt, He understands pain like no one else can, but He is also ready and willing to deliver us from our sin, from our shame, from our pain and anguish.  Let Him shine His brilliant light into our darkest corners, chasing away the demons that have taken up residence there.  All we have to do is ask, to lay our broken hearts in His lap, allowing Him do His best work.  Almost more importantly, listen for His answers...they may come as opportunities to serve others, to express gratitude, to heal and to love.  In other words, He will find things to keep us busy, in order to keep us out of trouble.

Wishing you much peace and joy this Christmas! 

Update: Patience

Funny how when you just set your mindset to something it starts to materialize.  I'm 19 days into a 21 day e-course on patience.  The concept and practices have been broken down into bite size pieces that are easier to swallow, digest and practice.  And I feel like it's been working.  I'm knee-jerk reacting less and more carefully and thoughtfully responding more.  I'm always my own toughest critic, and I'm being more patient with myself and others.

A side effect that I didn't expect is how actively practicing more patience is making me slow the heck down on lots of things, really think about them and come to more meaningful conclusions and decisions.  Now when confronted with issues, situations, less than ideal circumstances, etc., I am thinking about what's important to me, what's going to be the best outcome for me and does this outcome meet my blossoming higher standards of self-respect, self-worth, trust and what's acceptable in my life despite the positive or negative emotions involved.  And I'm finding that, for the first time in my life, I'm choosing the sometimes more difficult path to adhere to those standards. 

Why?  Because my life depends on it.  My physical, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on my being true to the perfect creation God created me to be.  He doesn't make mistakes, people do.  My injuries and wounds have for two long held me hostage to other people's injuries and wounds.  I know that that isn't God's will for me.  I have to believe that He wants me to be content, to feel loved, respected, trusted.  And I believe that He has given me permission to no longer tolerate repeated behavior from myself and others that leaves me feeling anything less than.

Saying goodbye to people you love that don't treat you well is hard, difficult and painful.  But through my faith I have reassurance that I'm on the right path, that being alone is better than allowing myself to be treated poorly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Patience :)

So I'm chronically impatient.  It used to be because I wanted to control things, know the outcome of things...and while there may still be a grain of truth in that, I'm realizing that it's just part of my personality.  My brain goes in high gear most of the time, so if I perceive a solution or a certain path I wanna get up and get goin' on it :).  I'm a doer...another chronic problem, I often leap before I look.  But being impatient doesn't do any good for anyone, especially me.

I'm becoming impatient with a couple different threads in my life.  One is my spiritual path, what I believe to be my calling.  I know on an intellectual level that I'm not ready, but then my heart just wants to leap forth, especially when I see someone in need.  I have to keep reminding myself that I could do more damage than good if I jump in too soon.  So patience apparently is the answer.

I'm also having flashes of impatience with a personal relationship.  This is also a reoccuring theme in many of my relationships.  But this one in particular, my impatience could outright end the relationship and I certainly don't want to do that.  I have to respect the path that we are both traveling and accept that we are in different places, God does have a plan and I just have to trust it.  He hasn't let me down yet and is constantly surprising me, exceeding my expectations.  So again, patience is the answer.



We can't buy patience, but we purchase a reminder :)
Purchased here: http://www.islandcowgirl.com/item.php?item_id=720

You have to imagine my shear joy, relief, light bulb moment elation when I visited one of my favorite websites, www.spiritualityandpractice.com , looking for excerises I could do to expand my capacity for patience, and came across a 21 day course called "Patience Builders".  WooooHooooo! In just 21 short days I'm going to be a pillar of grace and patience!  I immediately abandoned the work I was supposed to be doing, hurriedly rummaging through my purse for my credit card. 

Clicking through the registration, I had the option of picking the schedule of delivery for the lessons....daily, weekly, bi-weekly, or tri-weekly.  Really?  For a class about patience?  How many people are going to pick once a week?  So of course I pick daily.  As I click the "schedule" button, I immediately switch tabs to watch my email inbox for the first lesson.  And I watch.  And I refresh.  And I watch and refresh.  I click back over to the registration page, click my accounts, click archives...and promptly receive a message that says, "there are no archived lessons because your subscription has not yet started".

You mean I have to wait an entire night to start?  Now you're really trying my patience.....oh...ya....that's why I'm here.  Ok.  So the real first lesson has already arrived.  I can wait.  Really, I can.  So I had a good, humbling chuckle at myself.  Stay tuned, I'll keep ya "posted" on my patience progress.

Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself then you're in real trouble, right?  <----- said as I hit refresh just one more time :).

Word Study: Sympathy vs. Compassion

I've long mused over the difference between sympathy and compassion.  Going to the dictionary, sympathy is sharing like feelings, good or bad.  Compassion is a sharing of someone's suffering with a compelling desire to alleviate that suffering.  The example I have in my mind is this:

 A man is walking down the street, trying to carry a piano on his back all by himself.  The piano tips irregularily and causes him to veer this way and that, endangering others.  The man is sweating bullets and is really struggling under the burden.  Sympathy, a frequent bystander, says, "Gosh, that's quite a burden you've got there.  That must be a real struggle.  I'm sorry you're in that predicament" and is usually reluctant to help in any truly meaningful way.  Compassion, a rare friend, on the other hand, rushes forward and picks up one end of the piano, helping the man to his destination cheerfully, happy to help, no expectation of return.

Where it gets tricky, is when the man carries the same piano down the same street day after day wanting the attention from the crowd of "sympathizers".  The pain of the burden is mildly soothed by the attention of the crowd, the crowd is happy to justify their lack of real involvement by the man's enjoyment of their half-hearted sympathies. Compassion rushes forward and the man resists the help, because he will no longer receive the constant attention of the multitude of sympathizers.   Even worse, is when the man says, "Friend, I don't want your help, just your attention". Carrying that piano everyday has become the man's purpose, the pain his identity, so that much so that his fear of losing the shallow love of the sympathizers tied to this false purpose and identity prevents him from allowing compassion to open him up to his true purpose, true identity and true love, that can only come from God. Compassion is then forced to stand idly by, refusing to become a sympathizer.  The great thing about compassion, though, is that it never gives up.  It will keep walking down that street every day, ready to jump in when the man is ready for real help.

In spiritual terms, I believe sympathy is earthly, whereas compassion is spirit granted.  There have been plenty of times where I have felt driven and compelled to help someone in some manner, when my sensibilities said otherwise.  I have had occasion to be graced with unimaginable assistance, completely unexpected and illogical on earthly terms.  Oftentimes, you are overcome with the spirit of compassion and you just don't even think about it.  It's unquestionable and you find your self graced with the impossible, whether giving or receiving in the act of compassion. 

Please allow the spirit of compassion to grace your life.  Be willing to answer when it calls you to act and be willing to receive when it lays gifts at your feet.

Reflections

It's been nearly a month since I've written...anything.  I'm a pretty avid journaler, emailer, letterer and recent blogger.  It hasn't been a matter of writer's block or lack of subject matter.  I have gotten a bit busy and overwhelmed with some things, but that doesn't usually stop me for too long from writing.  No, I just turned inward for a bit and did some learning, growing, soul-searching.  I've also spent some time just being alone, being comfortable in it, getting "aclimated".  So now, here's me "catching up"...sorry, it's lengthy :).

I had an experience this last week that came to a head last weekend.  It very much felt like a spiritual battle.  Many of my old wounds were reopened and I cried for nearly three days straight.  Wounds that I thought had been healed long ago.  But I will say my King got me through it.  I was graced with strength and resolve to not engage in harmful "self-soothing" behavior.  I sat in my pain and felt it, free of fear, which was a very bizarre awareness.  I felt that my faith very much was being tested, and believe me, they pulled out all the stops, but ultimately, I was safely delivered to the other side.  On this side of it, I feel armed, I feel strong and courageous, but humbly so as it is completely Spirit-borne.  I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have.  I'm still reflecting on the experience days later; here are some of my thoughts:

Reflection #1:  Giving truly is about giving.  You cannot give and expect to receive in return, or it isn't truly giving, it's negotiating an exchange.  Even if you don't ever verbalize it and only hold on to the expectation of reciprocity. I have two people in my life that I had been sharing with on many levels.  This last weekend I was wanting someone, anyone, to rescue me from my pain and make me feel better.  When neither of these people were available, it was salt on my already bleeding wounds.  I was very much alone in my anguish and in the darkest part of it I truly had to turn to God with my broken heart and spirit.  I've had a few days to reflect on the ordeal (it truly was an ordeal of spiritual proportions) and I have come to appreciate the true spirit and meaning of giving.  I am appreciating the lesson of being delivered from my pain by my Heavenly Father.  If anyone had "rescued" me, I would not have gained that lesson.  He truly is there in our darkest hours, just patiently waiting for us to ask.  I have since been able to let go of my anger, disappointment and pain that I felt regarding the ones I was expecting to be there for me.  And I can continue to love them.

Reflection #2:  Fear truly is an ugly beast.  Along the lines of giving, I had been sharing my material resources with a friend in need recently.  Being self-employed, my resources wear thin in the winter months, and I made a promise to my kids and myself that that would not happen this year, so I have been proactively tightening the belt.  At about the same time, I felt that sharing my material resources was not truly helping my friend improve her situation for the long-term.  So I offered several times in several different ways my intellectual, emotional and spirtual resources to help her improve her material situation, namely in finding a job.  I was met with excuses, unjust justifications, self-pity and much fear. 

Unfortunately, I became impatient with her, pushing harder than she could tolerate, and I feel the friendship has ended because of it.  I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to self-pity (not allowed) and fear (limited to healthy measures), and I sometimes unfairly hold others to that same standard without giving them the room to be who they are.  My former friend's fears run very deep.  They run deep enough to cause her to avoid really stepping into the wonderful, dynamic, successful person I know God has designed her to be.  Those fears have a strong enough hold to allow her to use people until they are used up, and then discard them, instead of becoming self-reliant.  There is part of me that is saddened by the friendship ending, but then the recoverying co-dependant in me also realizes that maybe it's best.  I harbor no animosity, I miss her, but also understand that me maintaining healthy boundaries, fortified by the new-found assurance, strength and courage I was graced with this last weekend, may bring an end to ultimately unhealthy relationships with people who allow fear to rule their hearts.

Reflection #3:  Ultimately, relationships with others don't "fix" the broken parts of us.  As a recovering relationship "junkie" I used to always look to others for my self-worth, for purpose, for value, and ultimately for love.  A truly intimate relationship with God is the only "fix".  Can He work through others and our relationships with them?  Absolutely, and He does every single day.  But He has to always come first.  Always.  He needs to be the ultimate source of self-worth, purpose and love.  Having that sort of relationship with God will guard your heart and vulnerabilities against the pain that we as humans can inflict on each other in our relationships.  It gives us the autonomy to not be defensive, to be compassionate and non-judgemental, to be more truly loving and giving in our relationships with others.  That one-on-one relationship with God also gives us the independance to gracefully and lovingly mend or end the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in.  

How do we know He's working His Plan through our relationships with each other?  When the relationships encourage you, when they challenge you and build you up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When you are a better person for having participated in the relationship, even if it does come to an end.  I believe that God puts every single person in your life, and you in theirs for a mutual purpose of spiritual growth.  It's up to us to choose that path with that person.  I'd even venture to say that every conflict in a relationship has it's origin in a spiritual conflict.  Get right with God, get right with each other, and you can't go wrong.

Please take time to reflect on even your painful experiences, instead of ignoring them or stuffing them.  Talk them over with yourself and with God.  Learn from them, grow in leaps and bounds from them. They may just be part of the Big Plan, so make the most of 'em.  With lots of love....

The Art of Being Alone...not Lonely.

Every so often I catch myself craving time to myself.  I work a pretty intense job, I have kids, an active social life, a newly blossoming romance....but I need my "me time".  Being a recovering co-dependant, this is new to me.  Even if I was alone, I was constantly on the phone, or texting, emailing, on Facebook or dating sites.  I was too lonely to learn how to be alone.

But as my relationship with God grows my need for constant interaction with others diminishes.  And I've noticed all of my relationships have improved.  My previously unhealthy relationship habits are falling away and I'm truly becoming a good friend that doesn't need to dominate or control or give constant advice.  I listen.  I empathize, sometimes even with patience :).  I wait until asked before offering my thoughts.  My sense of value comes from my relationship with God now, so I no longer need my relationships to validate who I am.  My relationships have moved to being more balanced..and when the scales start to tip one way or the other a little too far I'm recognizing it.  And instead of reacting to the imbalance, I'm being thoughtful in my actions to correct the balance.  I may not always go about it in the best way, but I'm learning.

Because God loves me and accepts me for who I am...I no longer fear rejection from others.  I no longer worry so much about what others think or how I'm making them feel.  I no longer worry about being lonely and am content in being alone.  I'm not just ok taking a romance slowly, but see the beauty in letting it develop at it's own pace, and I am completely understanding why romance should unfold slowly.  I've decided to live a life of love, loving God, myself and all others.  If I mistakenly hurt someone, I make ammends as soon as I can do so sincerely and authentically.

Spending time alone allows me space to heal from old wounds and fresh ones, it creates enough perspective that I can respond with love and compassion.  Spending time alone in prayer and meditation expands my faith and feeds my hopes and dreams...some of which are sharing my life with an amazing man, that will continue to allow me my "aloneness".

I challenge readers to start deliberately spending time alone with God.  Invest in that relationship, and all of your other relationships will improve dramatically.  I promise. :).

Receiving = Giving = Receiving

My more distant past had me in a place where I could financially give.  My recent past had me in a place where I had to learn to receive.  I'm now enjoying a place where I can give again.  Our society and culture assign a much different connotation to giving than receiving.  For the most part it is often openly vocalized that it's "good" to give to others less fortunate.  The unspoken part of that equation is that it's "bad" to be in a position to need that sort of assistance and to even ask for assistance when we need it.  Under the guise of doing good, many givers use giving as a way to stroke their own egos, to feel better about themselves, often making their efforts public or bragging about it.  There's no more selfish way of going about what should be an unselfish act.  I can say that I was very guilty of this sort of giving in my past.

It wasn't until I was in position of needing help that I learned the true spirit of giving.  Early in my single-motherhood, I had a serious back injury and had no choice but to let other people give.  They had to give me sponge baths, they had to do my dirty laundry, they had to cook in my kitchen.  They had to drive me around, lend me money, pay my bills and "hold my hair" when pain meds made me sick.  I had no choice but to receive.  It very much bruised my ego, made me feel very needy and burdensome.  It did not take long for me to learn the humble spirit of receiving resides in gratitude.  If I denied help or was resentful and ungrateful, I actually hurt the ones that were trying to help me the most.  I needed the help so I had to very quickly swallow my pride and give the only thing I had in return...gratitude.

At the same time I was very much struggling with money-control issues left over from my marriage.  Money stress had been making me crazy and I would make fear based decisions that left me broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.  As I prayed for more paychecks, my day to day needs were quietly met through gifts of food, gift cards, small gifts of cash, medical bills being forgiven, etc.  It was through other people's giving that I gained lessons of faith, gratitude and humility.

I'm now, very gratefully in a position to be giving to others, and God has provided opportunity to help make a difference in lives close to mine.  But my giving this time is very different.  It isn't about me and my ego, it's about what the person receiving truly needs.  Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a full gas tank, sometimes it's a hot meal, sometimes it's just an ear and a shoulder.  But now that my ego is out of the way, I can give my whole self to the opportunity, and meet the true need.  The gift is not the money or food, the gift is the acceptance and non-judgemental support.  What I gain in return is learning the value of gracious giving, of learning how to meet the needs of others out of love and acceptance, not fear and rejection.

Do not feel bad about needing.  Givers can't give without someone needing their gift.  It's a two way street, receivers need givers, givers need receivers.  Again, do not feel bad about needing, do not feel resentful about giving....you are not giving/receiving actual items like food and clothing and money.  What you are giving and receiving is the opportunity to learn deeper meanings of the spiritual truths of unselfishness, humility, compassion, gratitude, grace and love.  You are being God's instrument of their spiritual growth.  Deny giving or receiving from one another, you deny God's gifts.  If you can have this understanding, then you don't expect repayment for your giving..because in your giving you have already received abundantly in spirit.  All you hope for is that whomever received your gift will in turn give to someone else in need....and there is always someone in more need than you.