Patience :)

So I'm chronically impatient.  It used to be because I wanted to control things, know the outcome of things...and while there may still be a grain of truth in that, I'm realizing that it's just part of my personality.  My brain goes in high gear most of the time, so if I perceive a solution or a certain path I wanna get up and get goin' on it :).  I'm a doer...another chronic problem, I often leap before I look.  But being impatient doesn't do any good for anyone, especially me.

I'm becoming impatient with a couple different threads in my life.  One is my spiritual path, what I believe to be my calling.  I know on an intellectual level that I'm not ready, but then my heart just wants to leap forth, especially when I see someone in need.  I have to keep reminding myself that I could do more damage than good if I jump in too soon.  So patience apparently is the answer.

I'm also having flashes of impatience with a personal relationship.  This is also a reoccuring theme in many of my relationships.  But this one in particular, my impatience could outright end the relationship and I certainly don't want to do that.  I have to respect the path that we are both traveling and accept that we are in different places, God does have a plan and I just have to trust it.  He hasn't let me down yet and is constantly surprising me, exceeding my expectations.  So again, patience is the answer.



We can't buy patience, but we purchase a reminder :)
Purchased here: http://www.islandcowgirl.com/item.php?item_id=720

You have to imagine my shear joy, relief, light bulb moment elation when I visited one of my favorite websites, www.spiritualityandpractice.com , looking for excerises I could do to expand my capacity for patience, and came across a 21 day course called "Patience Builders".  WooooHooooo! In just 21 short days I'm going to be a pillar of grace and patience!  I immediately abandoned the work I was supposed to be doing, hurriedly rummaging through my purse for my credit card. 

Clicking through the registration, I had the option of picking the schedule of delivery for the lessons....daily, weekly, bi-weekly, or tri-weekly.  Really?  For a class about patience?  How many people are going to pick once a week?  So of course I pick daily.  As I click the "schedule" button, I immediately switch tabs to watch my email inbox for the first lesson.  And I watch.  And I refresh.  And I watch and refresh.  I click back over to the registration page, click my accounts, click archives...and promptly receive a message that says, "there are no archived lessons because your subscription has not yet started".

You mean I have to wait an entire night to start?  Now you're really trying my patience.....oh...ya....that's why I'm here.  Ok.  So the real first lesson has already arrived.  I can wait.  Really, I can.  So I had a good, humbling chuckle at myself.  Stay tuned, I'll keep ya "posted" on my patience progress.

Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself then you're in real trouble, right?  <----- said as I hit refresh just one more time :).

Word Study: Sympathy vs. Compassion

I've long mused over the difference between sympathy and compassion.  Going to the dictionary, sympathy is sharing like feelings, good or bad.  Compassion is a sharing of someone's suffering with a compelling desire to alleviate that suffering.  The example I have in my mind is this:

 A man is walking down the street, trying to carry a piano on his back all by himself.  The piano tips irregularily and causes him to veer this way and that, endangering others.  The man is sweating bullets and is really struggling under the burden.  Sympathy, a frequent bystander, says, "Gosh, that's quite a burden you've got there.  That must be a real struggle.  I'm sorry you're in that predicament" and is usually reluctant to help in any truly meaningful way.  Compassion, a rare friend, on the other hand, rushes forward and picks up one end of the piano, helping the man to his destination cheerfully, happy to help, no expectation of return.

Where it gets tricky, is when the man carries the same piano down the same street day after day wanting the attention from the crowd of "sympathizers".  The pain of the burden is mildly soothed by the attention of the crowd, the crowd is happy to justify their lack of real involvement by the man's enjoyment of their half-hearted sympathies. Compassion rushes forward and the man resists the help, because he will no longer receive the constant attention of the multitude of sympathizers.   Even worse, is when the man says, "Friend, I don't want your help, just your attention". Carrying that piano everyday has become the man's purpose, the pain his identity, so that much so that his fear of losing the shallow love of the sympathizers tied to this false purpose and identity prevents him from allowing compassion to open him up to his true purpose, true identity and true love, that can only come from God. Compassion is then forced to stand idly by, refusing to become a sympathizer.  The great thing about compassion, though, is that it never gives up.  It will keep walking down that street every day, ready to jump in when the man is ready for real help.

In spiritual terms, I believe sympathy is earthly, whereas compassion is spirit granted.  There have been plenty of times where I have felt driven and compelled to help someone in some manner, when my sensibilities said otherwise.  I have had occasion to be graced with unimaginable assistance, completely unexpected and illogical on earthly terms.  Oftentimes, you are overcome with the spirit of compassion and you just don't even think about it.  It's unquestionable and you find your self graced with the impossible, whether giving or receiving in the act of compassion. 

Please allow the spirit of compassion to grace your life.  Be willing to answer when it calls you to act and be willing to receive when it lays gifts at your feet.

Reflections

It's been nearly a month since I've written...anything.  I'm a pretty avid journaler, emailer, letterer and recent blogger.  It hasn't been a matter of writer's block or lack of subject matter.  I have gotten a bit busy and overwhelmed with some things, but that doesn't usually stop me for too long from writing.  No, I just turned inward for a bit and did some learning, growing, soul-searching.  I've also spent some time just being alone, being comfortable in it, getting "aclimated".  So now, here's me "catching up"...sorry, it's lengthy :).

I had an experience this last week that came to a head last weekend.  It very much felt like a spiritual battle.  Many of my old wounds were reopened and I cried for nearly three days straight.  Wounds that I thought had been healed long ago.  But I will say my King got me through it.  I was graced with strength and resolve to not engage in harmful "self-soothing" behavior.  I sat in my pain and felt it, free of fear, which was a very bizarre awareness.  I felt that my faith very much was being tested, and believe me, they pulled out all the stops, but ultimately, I was safely delivered to the other side.  On this side of it, I feel armed, I feel strong and courageous, but humbly so as it is completely Spirit-borne.  I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have.  I'm still reflecting on the experience days later; here are some of my thoughts:

Reflection #1:  Giving truly is about giving.  You cannot give and expect to receive in return, or it isn't truly giving, it's negotiating an exchange.  Even if you don't ever verbalize it and only hold on to the expectation of reciprocity. I have two people in my life that I had been sharing with on many levels.  This last weekend I was wanting someone, anyone, to rescue me from my pain and make me feel better.  When neither of these people were available, it was salt on my already bleeding wounds.  I was very much alone in my anguish and in the darkest part of it I truly had to turn to God with my broken heart and spirit.  I've had a few days to reflect on the ordeal (it truly was an ordeal of spiritual proportions) and I have come to appreciate the true spirit and meaning of giving.  I am appreciating the lesson of being delivered from my pain by my Heavenly Father.  If anyone had "rescued" me, I would not have gained that lesson.  He truly is there in our darkest hours, just patiently waiting for us to ask.  I have since been able to let go of my anger, disappointment and pain that I felt regarding the ones I was expecting to be there for me.  And I can continue to love them.

Reflection #2:  Fear truly is an ugly beast.  Along the lines of giving, I had been sharing my material resources with a friend in need recently.  Being self-employed, my resources wear thin in the winter months, and I made a promise to my kids and myself that that would not happen this year, so I have been proactively tightening the belt.  At about the same time, I felt that sharing my material resources was not truly helping my friend improve her situation for the long-term.  So I offered several times in several different ways my intellectual, emotional and spirtual resources to help her improve her material situation, namely in finding a job.  I was met with excuses, unjust justifications, self-pity and much fear. 

Unfortunately, I became impatient with her, pushing harder than she could tolerate, and I feel the friendship has ended because of it.  I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to self-pity (not allowed) and fear (limited to healthy measures), and I sometimes unfairly hold others to that same standard without giving them the room to be who they are.  My former friend's fears run very deep.  They run deep enough to cause her to avoid really stepping into the wonderful, dynamic, successful person I know God has designed her to be.  Those fears have a strong enough hold to allow her to use people until they are used up, and then discard them, instead of becoming self-reliant.  There is part of me that is saddened by the friendship ending, but then the recoverying co-dependant in me also realizes that maybe it's best.  I harbor no animosity, I miss her, but also understand that me maintaining healthy boundaries, fortified by the new-found assurance, strength and courage I was graced with this last weekend, may bring an end to ultimately unhealthy relationships with people who allow fear to rule their hearts.

Reflection #3:  Ultimately, relationships with others don't "fix" the broken parts of us.  As a recovering relationship "junkie" I used to always look to others for my self-worth, for purpose, for value, and ultimately for love.  A truly intimate relationship with God is the only "fix".  Can He work through others and our relationships with them?  Absolutely, and He does every single day.  But He has to always come first.  Always.  He needs to be the ultimate source of self-worth, purpose and love.  Having that sort of relationship with God will guard your heart and vulnerabilities against the pain that we as humans can inflict on each other in our relationships.  It gives us the autonomy to not be defensive, to be compassionate and non-judgemental, to be more truly loving and giving in our relationships with others.  That one-on-one relationship with God also gives us the independance to gracefully and lovingly mend or end the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in.  

How do we know He's working His Plan through our relationships with each other?  When the relationships encourage you, when they challenge you and build you up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When you are a better person for having participated in the relationship, even if it does come to an end.  I believe that God puts every single person in your life, and you in theirs for a mutual purpose of spiritual growth.  It's up to us to choose that path with that person.  I'd even venture to say that every conflict in a relationship has it's origin in a spiritual conflict.  Get right with God, get right with each other, and you can't go wrong.

Please take time to reflect on even your painful experiences, instead of ignoring them or stuffing them.  Talk them over with yourself and with God.  Learn from them, grow in leaps and bounds from them. They may just be part of the Big Plan, so make the most of 'em.  With lots of love....