Receiving = Giving = Receiving

My more distant past had me in a place where I could financially give.  My recent past had me in a place where I had to learn to receive.  I'm now enjoying a place where I can give again.  Our society and culture assign a much different connotation to giving than receiving.  For the most part it is often openly vocalized that it's "good" to give to others less fortunate.  The unspoken part of that equation is that it's "bad" to be in a position to need that sort of assistance and to even ask for assistance when we need it.  Under the guise of doing good, many givers use giving as a way to stroke their own egos, to feel better about themselves, often making their efforts public or bragging about it.  There's no more selfish way of going about what should be an unselfish act.  I can say that I was very guilty of this sort of giving in my past.

It wasn't until I was in position of needing help that I learned the true spirit of giving.  Early in my single-motherhood, I had a serious back injury and had no choice but to let other people give.  They had to give me sponge baths, they had to do my dirty laundry, they had to cook in my kitchen.  They had to drive me around, lend me money, pay my bills and "hold my hair" when pain meds made me sick.  I had no choice but to receive.  It very much bruised my ego, made me feel very needy and burdensome.  It did not take long for me to learn the humble spirit of receiving resides in gratitude.  If I denied help or was resentful and ungrateful, I actually hurt the ones that were trying to help me the most.  I needed the help so I had to very quickly swallow my pride and give the only thing I had in return...gratitude.

At the same time I was very much struggling with money-control issues left over from my marriage.  Money stress had been making me crazy and I would make fear based decisions that left me broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.  As I prayed for more paychecks, my day to day needs were quietly met through gifts of food, gift cards, small gifts of cash, medical bills being forgiven, etc.  It was through other people's giving that I gained lessons of faith, gratitude and humility.

I'm now, very gratefully in a position to be giving to others, and God has provided opportunity to help make a difference in lives close to mine.  But my giving this time is very different.  It isn't about me and my ego, it's about what the person receiving truly needs.  Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a full gas tank, sometimes it's a hot meal, sometimes it's just an ear and a shoulder.  But now that my ego is out of the way, I can give my whole self to the opportunity, and meet the true need.  The gift is not the money or food, the gift is the acceptance and non-judgemental support.  What I gain in return is learning the value of gracious giving, of learning how to meet the needs of others out of love and acceptance, not fear and rejection.

Do not feel bad about needing.  Givers can't give without someone needing their gift.  It's a two way street, receivers need givers, givers need receivers.  Again, do not feel bad about needing, do not feel resentful about giving....you are not giving/receiving actual items like food and clothing and money.  What you are giving and receiving is the opportunity to learn deeper meanings of the spiritual truths of unselfishness, humility, compassion, gratitude, grace and love.  You are being God's instrument of their spiritual growth.  Deny giving or receiving from one another, you deny God's gifts.  If you can have this understanding, then you don't expect repayment for your giving..because in your giving you have already received abundantly in spirit.  All you hope for is that whomever received your gift will in turn give to someone else in need....and there is always someone in more need than you.

Baggage...We've All Got It.

It amazes me, that no matter how much we think we've offloaded our emotional baggage, how quickly we pick it right back up.  I had an experience this week with someone that I love dearly.  We have a history that includes emotionally hurtful behavior that we are openly aware of and neither of us wants to continue.

A certain set of circumstances occurred, and I expected him to react a certain way that would cause him to be hurtful to me.  He actually didn't react in the old way, maintained control of his feelings, and acted in a very positive, constructive, not hurtful way.  But guess how I reacted?  I reacted as if he had behaved as he had in the past!  And worse, I treated him as if he had behaved as he would have previously.  It was my old emotional imprint of feeling unimportant and rejected and shameful as I had felt in our previous relationship.

Thankfully, through some serious prayer and physical meditation (3.5 mile hike in steep terrain!) I saw things plainly and relatively quickly.  We were presented with reoccurring circumstances, he acted very deliberately in a way that should have helped me feel respected and valued.  Instead I reacted with anger and mistrust, and pulled away a bit from the relationship.  I tried to pressure him into taking an action that would make me feel better, but would not have been the wisest course of action.  Thank goodness God showed me my error.

Today I was able to speak plainly about my reactions, apologize and express gratitude for this person's correct actions, that required a good deal of courage, trusting me and faith on his part.  I set down my baggage and extended my hand.  He was very gracious, understanding and appreciative......and love continues.

Visions of {fill in the blank}....

I'm a huge fan and practician of vision boards.  I started my first vision board after reading "The Secret", as a part of a work related focus/networking group.  At the time, I thought the book was a lot of hooey, but being a visual thinker the vision board idea caught like wildfire for me.  My first board was a modest one foot by two feet, demure thin black frame.  I tentatively added one or two images a week, never really completely filling it up.  My images included materialistic things mostly, or image conscious things with the occasional wistful hope for my mostly hopeless life.

Today my vision board takes up the better part of one of my bedroom walls, it's sturdy, with a wide, decorative red frame (red is my favorite color!).  I often remove everything and spend an entire day filling it up until I run out of space...overflowing onto the wall around it.  My most recent re-vision :) includes almost nothing material, every image and word on the board is related or connected to a principle.  And yes, Faith, Hope, Love and Grace are central themes.  My metamorphosis is physically, emotionally and spiritually awe-striking and deeply humbling.

I started my first board over three years ago.  I placed the impossible on that board.  Today, I'm 70 pounds lighter, I'm single, free of a harmful marriage, I'm financially at ease, I'm on speaking terms with God again......and I wake up with joy every single morning.  I really do, there are no more mornings of dread and disappointment.  My first vision board was a conglomeration of unconscious, unspoken prayers.  Things I know needed to change in my life, but I was at a complete loss as to how to make those changes happen.  Today my vision board is clear, conscious, detailed, specific intentions about the person I want to be.  My teenage boys even put things on my board, because they've seen results in my life.

I truly believe that God has a plan for us, and that part of that plan is us being fulfilled, happy individuals.  It's ok for us to ask for what we want.  God knows our heart, He knows our intentions and He knows what we need.  He is an expert at reading between the lines of our hopes and fears.  Maybe we ask for a million dollars...He knows we are asking for financial security.  We may not receive a million dollars, but we will receive abundance in a million different ways.  We may ask for new clothes, a fancy car, a big house.  What He hears is that we want to feel good about ourselves.  We may not receive materialistic goods, but we may receive an opportunity to better ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Recently I went through a book with a handful of other people in a workshop.  I think the single most important lesson I learned from this experience was the importance of setting goals, of setting the intention to fulfill that goal and then letting go of the outcome.  I know it sounds contradictory.  But it goes back to sharing our hopes, fears and desires with God, being willing to do the footwork while being accepting of whatever possible outcome God has in store for us.  In my personal experience, God's answers to my prayers, conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken always far exceed any expectation I ever have.  And one of the best side effects is not having to worry, or be fearful, or be stressed out.  My heart is right, I'm doing my utmost best, the rest is happily in God's hands.

So go make a vision board, I dare ya. ;).  It has been my most profound lesson in Faith, thus far.

Not Broken...Just Needing a Break

So Siri can't help you blow your brains out.  Just one more obstacle to my day today.  I asked, but she couldn't even find me a suicide prevention hotline.  My iPhone is fired!  And my laptop can tag right along.  For all of my serene, peacful talk thus far on this blog you might surmise that I gently, carefully, quietly help bees pollenate flowers in a field of wild clover in an ever perpetual summer.  I'm actually purposefully self-employed at a fairly stressful, difficult, thankless profession that I do love on most days.  I negotiate with the Big Banksters 5-6 days a week on behalf of the little guy, who is even embarrassed they need me.  Today the banksters pulled out all the stops and gave me a run for my money.  I'll take the win in small victories, today, thank you very much.  They certainly ran me down, though.

Truly, this has to be God's front porch, right?

The work I do is mentally exhausting.  Sometimes I have to leave the office to "take a lap" around the building.  We keep a picture book of a very cute dog to take the tension down a peg or two.  Or I visit www.cuteoverload.com somewhere in my 47th minute of being on hold after my 8th call transfer to yet another person that cannot help me figure out where the bank lost our file.  Which is actually a huge improvement over the wood chopping I used to do in my garage when I first started this work.

I sometimes wonder why I stay in it.  Why, day after day, I choose to suit up and hit the ground running for people that would rather not need my services, going up against organizations that don't really want to cooperate and go out of their way to make my job difficult, tedious and mind-blowing in the wrong sense of the term.  I know why I do it, though.  I love doing the right thing, I love fighting for the underdog, I love winning for all of the right reasons and in the right ways.  And I love knowing that I've helped someone with what I do, each and every day.  And I love sleeping at night, knowing I've done good. 

The opportunity was presented to me at a time when I needed a bridge financially, but also out of my harmful marriage.  This work I do allowed me to work from home, afforded a similar income and allowed me the time and space mentally and emotionally to cope not only with my life transition but to help my kids transition with theirs, which was not their choice and a more difficult move in many respects. 

So my stressful, thankless, complex and difficult work has been a true blessing and rolling up my sleeves and going to work everyday, sometimes 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., is a committed gesture of gratitude on my part to the owner of my company and to my heavenly Father.  His timing is always perfect, He's always got the perfect players in the game right when they're needed.  I'm happy to be that person in my clients' lives, even if it's exhausting sometimes.

Ok, back at it, getting ready for a 6:00 pm client consultation. :)