All I Want for Christmas....is a BIG HUG!

'Tis the season....for celebrating, for reflecting, for giving, for family and all things merry and bright.  But for many it is a dreaded time of year when we wrestling with the little demons that hide in our dark corners. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, family dysfunction and various afflictions of the body and spirit find their way to center stage of our lives.  Maybe we are recently alone, due to divorce, death of a loved one, relocation...or any other normal life event.  Sometimes these things have to happen, but that doesn't necessarily take away the pain of the accompanying loneliness.

I usually don't mind being alone as I've always been a more solitary person since early childhood. I actually need and enjoy time to myself, and almost never have a problem entertaining myself.  But this year has been different; I have not experienced deep aching loneliness like this ever.  And I have to add I have not dealt with it as graciously as I would have liked.  There has been a lot of self-pity involved and a little dancing with the demons, to put it politely.

This morning, as I opened my bible to Psalms, I started reading at Psalms 23...which is a very good place for the lonely to start.  But I read through Psalms 25 and verses 16-21 reached into my heart, soothing some of that ache.  I immediately used this Psalm as a prayer...adding "Father, please.." to the beginning of each verse.  Please read:

Psalms 25: 16-21 ~

16 - (Father, please) Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted. 

 17 - (Father, please) Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

18 - (Father, please) Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.

19 - (Father, please) See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me! 

 20 - (Father, please) Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.

21 - (Father, please) May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord, is in you.

For those that suffer during this time of year, this is a humble, honest, beautiful plea to our Father for the love and grace only He can provide.  Many that are lonely this time of year turn to various addictions...alcohol, drugs, spending, eating and so many more.  Addictions are truly afflictions and troubles of the heart, that cause spiritual anguish and exacerbate emotional and physical anguish.  When we get caught up in cycles of addiction and sin, shame is close behind and we further isolate ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally from the solution....the company of family, friends, fellowship and most of all God, all those that love us in their unique ways.  

We start to categorize the very solution as the problem, as our enemy.  We play mind games with ourselves, making all sorts of excuses based on the sore spots in our lives...relationships, finances, family history, etc., etc.  We become resentful of our loved ones, of our jobs, pitying ourselves and pulling at any loose thread we can find to justify unraveling our well being, self-medicating instead of surrendering it all to our Father.

If this sounds like someone you know, I would urge you to reach out to the folks in your life that may be hurting, in any way that you can.  Even a simple phone call, text message or email saying "I'm thinking about you" can mean so much to someone that is in the depths of depression.  Invite them to celebrate with you, and if that isn't possible, then invite them to a cup of coffee or drop off a meal.  Sometimes, they are so deep in despair that they cannot pull themselves out, and a simple kind gesture, even if they don't accept or acknowledge it, is the leg-up out of the pit they need.  And pray for them...there's nothing more powerful that we can do for one another.

If this message is ringing true to you as one who is grappling with loneliness, depression, anguish, addiction or heartache right now, use Psalm 25: 16-21 as your Christmas prayer.  Ask God to grace you with His love, providing for you the integrity and protection you need in your life to get through the holiday season.  He understands that we turn to our vices when we hurt, He understands pain like no one else can, but He is also ready and willing to deliver us from our sin, from our shame, from our pain and anguish.  Let Him shine His brilliant light into our darkest corners, chasing away the demons that have taken up residence there.  All we have to do is ask, to lay our broken hearts in His lap, allowing Him do His best work.  Almost more importantly, listen for His answers...they may come as opportunities to serve others, to express gratitude, to heal and to love.  In other words, He will find things to keep us busy, in order to keep us out of trouble.

Wishing you much peace and joy this Christmas! 

Reflections

It's been nearly a month since I've written...anything.  I'm a pretty avid journaler, emailer, letterer and recent blogger.  It hasn't been a matter of writer's block or lack of subject matter.  I have gotten a bit busy and overwhelmed with some things, but that doesn't usually stop me for too long from writing.  No, I just turned inward for a bit and did some learning, growing, soul-searching.  I've also spent some time just being alone, being comfortable in it, getting "aclimated".  So now, here's me "catching up"...sorry, it's lengthy :).

I had an experience this last week that came to a head last weekend.  It very much felt like a spiritual battle.  Many of my old wounds were reopened and I cried for nearly three days straight.  Wounds that I thought had been healed long ago.  But I will say my King got me through it.  I was graced with strength and resolve to not engage in harmful "self-soothing" behavior.  I sat in my pain and felt it, free of fear, which was a very bizarre awareness.  I felt that my faith very much was being tested, and believe me, they pulled out all the stops, but ultimately, I was safely delivered to the other side.  On this side of it, I feel armed, I feel strong and courageous, but humbly so as it is completely Spirit-borne.  I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have.  I'm still reflecting on the experience days later; here are some of my thoughts:

Reflection #1:  Giving truly is about giving.  You cannot give and expect to receive in return, or it isn't truly giving, it's negotiating an exchange.  Even if you don't ever verbalize it and only hold on to the expectation of reciprocity. I have two people in my life that I had been sharing with on many levels.  This last weekend I was wanting someone, anyone, to rescue me from my pain and make me feel better.  When neither of these people were available, it was salt on my already bleeding wounds.  I was very much alone in my anguish and in the darkest part of it I truly had to turn to God with my broken heart and spirit.  I've had a few days to reflect on the ordeal (it truly was an ordeal of spiritual proportions) and I have come to appreciate the true spirit and meaning of giving.  I am appreciating the lesson of being delivered from my pain by my Heavenly Father.  If anyone had "rescued" me, I would not have gained that lesson.  He truly is there in our darkest hours, just patiently waiting for us to ask.  I have since been able to let go of my anger, disappointment and pain that I felt regarding the ones I was expecting to be there for me.  And I can continue to love them.

Reflection #2:  Fear truly is an ugly beast.  Along the lines of giving, I had been sharing my material resources with a friend in need recently.  Being self-employed, my resources wear thin in the winter months, and I made a promise to my kids and myself that that would not happen this year, so I have been proactively tightening the belt.  At about the same time, I felt that sharing my material resources was not truly helping my friend improve her situation for the long-term.  So I offered several times in several different ways my intellectual, emotional and spirtual resources to help her improve her material situation, namely in finding a job.  I was met with excuses, unjust justifications, self-pity and much fear. 

Unfortunately, I became impatient with her, pushing harder than she could tolerate, and I feel the friendship has ended because of it.  I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to self-pity (not allowed) and fear (limited to healthy measures), and I sometimes unfairly hold others to that same standard without giving them the room to be who they are.  My former friend's fears run very deep.  They run deep enough to cause her to avoid really stepping into the wonderful, dynamic, successful person I know God has designed her to be.  Those fears have a strong enough hold to allow her to use people until they are used up, and then discard them, instead of becoming self-reliant.  There is part of me that is saddened by the friendship ending, but then the recoverying co-dependant in me also realizes that maybe it's best.  I harbor no animosity, I miss her, but also understand that me maintaining healthy boundaries, fortified by the new-found assurance, strength and courage I was graced with this last weekend, may bring an end to ultimately unhealthy relationships with people who allow fear to rule their hearts.

Reflection #3:  Ultimately, relationships with others don't "fix" the broken parts of us.  As a recovering relationship "junkie" I used to always look to others for my self-worth, for purpose, for value, and ultimately for love.  A truly intimate relationship with God is the only "fix".  Can He work through others and our relationships with them?  Absolutely, and He does every single day.  But He has to always come first.  Always.  He needs to be the ultimate source of self-worth, purpose and love.  Having that sort of relationship with God will guard your heart and vulnerabilities against the pain that we as humans can inflict on each other in our relationships.  It gives us the autonomy to not be defensive, to be compassionate and non-judgemental, to be more truly loving and giving in our relationships with others.  That one-on-one relationship with God also gives us the independance to gracefully and lovingly mend or end the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in.  

How do we know He's working His Plan through our relationships with each other?  When the relationships encourage you, when they challenge you and build you up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When you are a better person for having participated in the relationship, even if it does come to an end.  I believe that God puts every single person in your life, and you in theirs for a mutual purpose of spiritual growth.  It's up to us to choose that path with that person.  I'd even venture to say that every conflict in a relationship has it's origin in a spiritual conflict.  Get right with God, get right with each other, and you can't go wrong.

Please take time to reflect on even your painful experiences, instead of ignoring them or stuffing them.  Talk them over with yourself and with God.  Learn from them, grow in leaps and bounds from them. They may just be part of the Big Plan, so make the most of 'em.  With lots of love....

Receiving = Giving = Receiving

My more distant past had me in a place where I could financially give.  My recent past had me in a place where I had to learn to receive.  I'm now enjoying a place where I can give again.  Our society and culture assign a much different connotation to giving than receiving.  For the most part it is often openly vocalized that it's "good" to give to others less fortunate.  The unspoken part of that equation is that it's "bad" to be in a position to need that sort of assistance and to even ask for assistance when we need it.  Under the guise of doing good, many givers use giving as a way to stroke their own egos, to feel better about themselves, often making their efforts public or bragging about it.  There's no more selfish way of going about what should be an unselfish act.  I can say that I was very guilty of this sort of giving in my past.

It wasn't until I was in position of needing help that I learned the true spirit of giving.  Early in my single-motherhood, I had a serious back injury and had no choice but to let other people give.  They had to give me sponge baths, they had to do my dirty laundry, they had to cook in my kitchen.  They had to drive me around, lend me money, pay my bills and "hold my hair" when pain meds made me sick.  I had no choice but to receive.  It very much bruised my ego, made me feel very needy and burdensome.  It did not take long for me to learn the humble spirit of receiving resides in gratitude.  If I denied help or was resentful and ungrateful, I actually hurt the ones that were trying to help me the most.  I needed the help so I had to very quickly swallow my pride and give the only thing I had in return...gratitude.

At the same time I was very much struggling with money-control issues left over from my marriage.  Money stress had been making me crazy and I would make fear based decisions that left me broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.  As I prayed for more paychecks, my day to day needs were quietly met through gifts of food, gift cards, small gifts of cash, medical bills being forgiven, etc.  It was through other people's giving that I gained lessons of faith, gratitude and humility.

I'm now, very gratefully in a position to be giving to others, and God has provided opportunity to help make a difference in lives close to mine.  But my giving this time is very different.  It isn't about me and my ego, it's about what the person receiving truly needs.  Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a full gas tank, sometimes it's a hot meal, sometimes it's just an ear and a shoulder.  But now that my ego is out of the way, I can give my whole self to the opportunity, and meet the true need.  The gift is not the money or food, the gift is the acceptance and non-judgemental support.  What I gain in return is learning the value of gracious giving, of learning how to meet the needs of others out of love and acceptance, not fear and rejection.

Do not feel bad about needing.  Givers can't give without someone needing their gift.  It's a two way street, receivers need givers, givers need receivers.  Again, do not feel bad about needing, do not feel resentful about giving....you are not giving/receiving actual items like food and clothing and money.  What you are giving and receiving is the opportunity to learn deeper meanings of the spiritual truths of unselfishness, humility, compassion, gratitude, grace and love.  You are being God's instrument of their spiritual growth.  Deny giving or receiving from one another, you deny God's gifts.  If you can have this understanding, then you don't expect repayment for your giving..because in your giving you have already received abundantly in spirit.  All you hope for is that whomever received your gift will in turn give to someone else in need....and there is always someone in more need than you.

Expectation VS. Hope

"For many of us, expectation is based on control, hope is based on trust." - anonymous

As I go through this constant process of renewal, recovery, redefining who I am...I will sometimes turn a corner and run into a new version of myself that I had not realized existed.  This last weekend I was warmly greeted and became fast friends with a version of myself that has (finally) let go of unrealistic expectations and now dwells in blossoming hope.  It was a very pleasant surprise, and I've been thinking about hope vs. expectation ever since...thus this writing. :).

What I'm coming to is that just like fear, there are normal, healthy expectations in life and love.  If you set your alarm clock, it will wake you.  Sometimes the expected does not happen, we are disappointed and have to scramble to recover the loss...emotionally, physically and/or spiritually.  But also just like fear, expectation and its counterpart disappointment, can quickly spiral out of control and become very unrealistic to the people and circumstances involved, especially when we are engaged in unhealthy relationships.  In order to maintain healthy expectations, you have to assess, understand and accept people and circumstances for what they are...and adjust your expectations accordingly.

But what too often happens is that we become fearful of a negative outcome and setting certain expectations becomes a means of controlling that outcome.  We often enter into a tug-of-war of expectations with a loved one, without once communicating our fears, needs and desires openly, simply and honestly.  We play the game of "If I, he will" or "If he doesn't, I won't", etc., etc., etc. often fatally limiting the outcome to our predefined set of parameters. When the desired outcome doesn't happen, and we are disappointed, our loved one has no idea why or how or what they did wrong. 

So now lets bring hope onto the playing field.  If we let go of our fears, we let go of the expected (limited) outcome.  We can now start to hope for limitless possibilities that exceed all of our expectations.  And hope always exceeds expectation.  Hope is rooted in Faith that God has a plan for us, that His plan is far more vast and comprehensive than we can imagine.  Hope is the little sister to Love, the two often holding hands, whistling and skipping down God's path ahead of us, clearing the way for a miraculous, abundant life.  And all it takes is Faith, or trust, that God loves us.  Wherever Faith goes, Love and Hope are sure to follow.

This is all nice and airy-fairy...but how does it apply to our life, everyday?  I'll share the moment I had this weekend.  I have a love interest that has recently re-entered my life.  When we knew each other before our circumstances were far from ideal, practically and morally.  I was also very fear driven, and would get very upset and disappointed, which I often took out on him, when he had to cancel plans with me, usually by just not showing up.  Our circumstances have changed, we are taking the slower, "right" path...there has been much forgiveness for past transgressions and much more acceptance and understanding....and apparently I no longer live in a fearful state. 

I had invited him to a Labor Day BBQ at a friend's home, and clearly said that it was an open invitation only, I wasn't expecting him to join me.  The morning of, he texted me that he wouldn't be joining, and was very defensive about it.  He was reacting to an expected backlash from me...  But, he had acted differently than before, and I am not the same person I was before.  He spoke his true feelings and maintained what was right and best for him in the situation.  The no longer fearful version of me was able to immediately recognize that, not be hurt or offended, and was able to honor it with nothing but reassurance and support.  No hurt feelings, no disappointment, we both went on with our happy day doing exactly what we wanted to do.  Sure, I was mildly disappointed at not getting to see him, but we would not have enjoyed our time together if he was there out of obligation or fear of disappointing me.

Who expects flowers to grow in pavement?  Hope does.

So the real-in-my-life conclusion I came to is that because of the personsal growth and recovery I've enjoyed at the hands of God, it reasonable to expect that I won't enter into another relationship that does not include mutual respect of our individual and shared priorities.  Because of my faith in God's plan, I can hope that this man will be a part of that future.

Baggage...We've All Got It.

It amazes me, that no matter how much we think we've offloaded our emotional baggage, how quickly we pick it right back up.  I had an experience this week with someone that I love dearly.  We have a history that includes emotionally hurtful behavior that we are openly aware of and neither of us wants to continue.

A certain set of circumstances occurred, and I expected him to react a certain way that would cause him to be hurtful to me.  He actually didn't react in the old way, maintained control of his feelings, and acted in a very positive, constructive, not hurtful way.  But guess how I reacted?  I reacted as if he had behaved as he had in the past!  And worse, I treated him as if he had behaved as he would have previously.  It was my old emotional imprint of feeling unimportant and rejected and shameful as I had felt in our previous relationship.

Thankfully, through some serious prayer and physical meditation (3.5 mile hike in steep terrain!) I saw things plainly and relatively quickly.  We were presented with reoccurring circumstances, he acted very deliberately in a way that should have helped me feel respected and valued.  Instead I reacted with anger and mistrust, and pulled away a bit from the relationship.  I tried to pressure him into taking an action that would make me feel better, but would not have been the wisest course of action.  Thank goodness God showed me my error.

Today I was able to speak plainly about my reactions, apologize and express gratitude for this person's correct actions, that required a good deal of courage, trusting me and faith on his part.  I set down my baggage and extended my hand.  He was very gracious, understanding and appreciative......and love continues.

WordStudy: Fear

fear[feer] - noun

1.  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

2.  a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bête noire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness, penchant, predilection.

3.  concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.  reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.

5.  something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of: Cancer is a common fear.

 

Fear: Friend or Foe? 

 

 We all live with fear.  Some forms of fear are actually healthy and necessary...the fear that keeps you from walking too close to the edge, or that intuition that cautions you about a particular person. And then sometimes our "healthy" fear becomes broken or goes haywire.  Having been a participant in harmful relationships, I am all too familiar with unhealthy, unrealistic fear as an undercurrent to the entire relationship.


I've recently returned to church after a 20 year absence.  There's lots of reasons for this, which may be another post or may just emerge through a series of posts about other topics.  But, one of my biggest issues with going to church in the past was having to live in fear of God.  From early childhood I lived a life of (unrealistic) fear in a dysfunctional home...I desperately needed church to be my refuge, which it very much was.  It was the safest place I knew...but there was no room for fearing God in my heart.  I was being punished enough at home, I couldn't be punished by God, too.

Today I listened to my (new) pastor deliver a sermon on the fear of God, which I very much welcomed, as this was still one of the loose threads of my frayed heart.  He explained that the fear we are encouraged to have in regards to God is not the paranoid, frantic, apprehensive fear most of us assume.  But rather we need to adopt a reverential awe of God.  Like when we stand in front of the ocean....it's awesomeness is really beyond us..we stand in reverence of it's enormity and it's power.  

Same goes for God...regardless of your specific denomination, God is beyond our comprehension...we need to stand in reverential respect and awe of Him.  Don't fear what He will do if we "misbehave" but rather fear what He won't do if we don't allow Him to work in our lives.  God doesn't punish, He forgives...if out of frantic, paranoid, faithless fear we choose to leave Him out of our lives, we've created the consequence of not being able to benefit from His love and grace.  He's laid the table with a wonderful bounty, we can choose to eat or not, all He asks is that we come to the table in reverence and humility.


So having lived and participated in harmful relationships and then having to wrestle with the idea of fear throughout my healing process, I've had to define and determine what healthy fear is.  I've had to redraw the boundaries and cement them with my ever-blooming faith and God's grace.  For a time, I flew the flag of being "fearless".  Maybe it was a necessary phase of my healing as I made a clear choice to live a life of love instead, but "fearless" can also be dangerous.  Now I allow healthy fear to fulfill it's role, to allow it to caution me against real and present dangers and to respond without reacting (work in progress, by the way). 


But the real joy came today, in being able to resolve one more conflict with my need for an active fellowship life and my hesitations with "church-going".  "Fear" has taken on a deeper meaning for me today...and has a much needed and respected place in my life.

Like a Bird From a Trap.... Psalm 124

What if?

Psalm 124

1. What if the Lord had not been on our side? Let all Israel repeat:  2. What if the Lord had not been on our side when people attacked us?  3.  They would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger.  4.  They waters would have engulfed us; a torrent would have overwhelmed us.  5.  Yes, the raging waters of their fury would have overwhelmed our very lives.  6.  Praise the Lord, who did not let their teeth tear us apart!  7.  We escaped like a bird from a hunter's trap.  The trap is broken, and we are free!   8.  Our help is from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

"Enlightenment is the end of suffering." - Buddha  

It is when you choose to end suffering that you make the conscious choice to let God do some of His best work...healing.  Psalm 124 instantly brings to mind the pain, fear and anguish I felt while I was part of two very harmful relationships...one with my step-mother, the other with my ex-husband.  I recall very much feeling engulfed, swallowed alive and drowned by the abusive nature of those relationships. I have often asked "what if" I had continued to participate in those relationships?  I wouldn't be the person I am today...I may not have even been here at all.

It is because of those relationships and God's grace in springing the trap and encouraging me to fly again that I am who I am today.  It is hard to be grateful for a painful past, and is only something I've only recently been capable of.  But had I not known that acute pain, I would not have known how deep God's love reaches.  So today I felt compassion for my deeply wounded step-mother and ex-husband, and expressed gratitude through prayer for their roles in my life, the lessons learned....and God's patient, undying love.

I start my day nearly every day with Psalms or Proverbs, usually Psalms.  I flip at random, letting my fingers wander...on not more than one occasion I have felt led to certain passages.  This morning I read Psalms 120-126, with 124 coming alive, right off the page and it has come back to me several times throughout my day.  I've often asked "what if?" about different life altering events in my life...each time being (gratefully!) able to point to God's hand leading me to higher ground, to safety, to healing.