As I go through this constant process of renewal, recovery, redefining who I am...I will sometimes turn a corner and run into a new version of myself that I had not realized existed. This last weekend I was warmly greeted and became fast friends with a version of myself that has (finally) let go of unrealistic expectations and now dwells in blossoming hope. It was a very pleasant surprise, and I've been thinking about hope vs. expectation ever since...thus this writing. :).
What I'm coming to is that just like fear, there are normal, healthy expectations in life and love. If you set your alarm clock, it will wake you. Sometimes the expected does not happen, we are disappointed and have to scramble to recover the loss...emotionally, physically and/or spiritually. But also just like fear, expectation and its counterpart disappointment, can quickly spiral out of control and become very unrealistic to the people and circumstances involved, especially when we are engaged in unhealthy relationships. In order to maintain healthy expectations, you have to assess, understand and accept people and circumstances for what they are...and adjust your expectations accordingly.
But what too often happens is that we become fearful of a negative outcome and setting certain expectations becomes a means of controlling that outcome. We often enter into a tug-of-war of expectations with a loved one, without once communicating our fears, needs and desires openly, simply and honestly. We play the game of "If I, he will" or "If he doesn't, I won't", etc., etc., etc. often fatally limiting the outcome to our predefined set of parameters. When the desired outcome doesn't happen, and we are disappointed, our loved one has no idea why or how or what they did wrong.
So now lets bring hope onto the playing field. If we let go of our fears, we let go of the expected (limited) outcome. We can now start to hope for limitless possibilities that exceed all of our expectations. And hope always exceeds expectation. Hope is rooted in Faith that God has a plan for us, that His plan is far more vast and comprehensive than we can imagine. Hope is the little sister to Love, the two often holding hands, whistling and skipping down God's path ahead of us, clearing the way for a miraculous, abundant life. And all it takes is Faith, or trust, that God loves us. Wherever Faith goes, Love and Hope are sure to follow.
This is all nice and airy-fairy...but how does it apply to our life, everyday? I'll share the moment I had this weekend. I have a love interest that has recently re-entered my life. When we knew each other before our circumstances were far from ideal, practically and morally. I was also very fear driven, and would get very upset and disappointed, which I often took out on him, when he had to cancel plans with me, usually by just not showing up. Our circumstances have changed, we are taking the slower, "right" path...there has been much forgiveness for past transgressions and much more acceptance and understanding....and apparently I no longer live in a fearful state.
I had invited him to a Labor Day BBQ at a friend's home, and clearly said that it was an open invitation only, I wasn't expecting him to join me. The morning of, he texted me that he wouldn't be joining, and was very defensive about it. He was reacting to an expected backlash from me... But, he had acted differently than before, and I am not the same person I was before. He spoke his true feelings and maintained what was right and best for him in the situation. The no longer fearful version of me was able to immediately recognize that, not be hurt or offended, and was able to honor it with nothing but reassurance and support. No hurt feelings, no disappointment, we both went on with our happy day doing exactly what we wanted to do. Sure, I was mildly disappointed at not getting to see him, but we would not have enjoyed our time together if he was there out of obligation or fear of disappointing me.
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| Who expects flowers to grow in pavement? Hope does. |
So the real-in-my-life conclusion I came to is that because of the personsal growth and recovery I've enjoyed at the hands of God, it reasonable to expect that I won't enter into another relationship that does not include mutual respect of our individual and shared priorities. Because of my faith in God's plan, I can hope that this man will be a part of that future.
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