Update: Patience

Funny how when you just set your mindset to something it starts to materialize.  I'm 19 days into a 21 day e-course on patience.  The concept and practices have been broken down into bite size pieces that are easier to swallow, digest and practice.  And I feel like it's been working.  I'm knee-jerk reacting less and more carefully and thoughtfully responding more.  I'm always my own toughest critic, and I'm being more patient with myself and others.

A side effect that I didn't expect is how actively practicing more patience is making me slow the heck down on lots of things, really think about them and come to more meaningful conclusions and decisions.  Now when confronted with issues, situations, less than ideal circumstances, etc., I am thinking about what's important to me, what's going to be the best outcome for me and does this outcome meet my blossoming higher standards of self-respect, self-worth, trust and what's acceptable in my life despite the positive or negative emotions involved.  And I'm finding that, for the first time in my life, I'm choosing the sometimes more difficult path to adhere to those standards. 

Why?  Because my life depends on it.  My physical, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on my being true to the perfect creation God created me to be.  He doesn't make mistakes, people do.  My injuries and wounds have for two long held me hostage to other people's injuries and wounds.  I know that that isn't God's will for me.  I have to believe that He wants me to be content, to feel loved, respected, trusted.  And I believe that He has given me permission to no longer tolerate repeated behavior from myself and others that leaves me feeling anything less than.

Saying goodbye to people you love that don't treat you well is hard, difficult and painful.  But through my faith I have reassurance that I'm on the right path, that being alone is better than allowing myself to be treated poorly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Growing Pains

Most folks think of personal growth as a joyous process....and for the most part it usually is.  Three years ago I was facing a very desperate situation in my marriage that had affected me very deeply as a person.  The dynamics of my relationship had reduced me to dust, emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually.  Through a series of truly miraculous events, God led me out of that harmful situation.  Thus began a long, diligent process of healing, recovery and growth.  Much of it was pretty messy, but there have been some truly graceful moments laced with ample amounts of joy.

One of those miraculous events presented a possibility, an opportunity that my heart of hearts has been hoping and wishing for, for the better part of three years.  That opportunity may be here, or very nearly here...and yesterday I had to face some hard truths about myself and this particular situation.  My personal growth has brought me to a place where I am having to choose to follow God's will, to honor the person I've become, at the risk of losing this long hoped for opportunity.  It was a truly painful experience, emotionally and even spiritually, to make a choice that I knew I had to make, possibly jeopardizing this opportunity.  But then even more bittersweet and painful in a way was that I was ok with it.  It felt good to make such a strong and certain choice that I knew was right, but it was sad to feel the potential loss, and feel it so deeply.

I had been reading in the gospel of Luke, about the cost of being a believer, and that before committing to follow Christ, you should carefully weigh the cost of such a decision.  Regardless of your denomination or philosophy, choosing to live a life of a higher degree of ethical, moral and spiritual standards is going to cost you.  Sometimes quite dearly. But in our increasingly narcissistic society where a constant tug of war of manipulation and compromise are tearing our moral fabric to shreds, I was sadly happy to make this sacrifice in place of a compromise that would have taken me back several steps in emotional and spiritual growth.

Personal growth isn't always pretty, or joyful, or welcomed by those around us, or appreciated....it is sometimes painful, messy...sometimes those closest to us try to inhibit our personal growth, and those relationships end up falling by the wayside.  You can't really go back on true personal growth, some things you just can't "un-grow" and there is sometimes loss involved.  We could call it the cost of doing business, or rather, the cost of taking care of business. For the most part, I've been ok with this aspect of personal growth, this time gave me pause, however. I have to trust that as long as I stay true to who God wants me to be, the results will be worth it, however painful the process.

Fortunately, my opportunity remains intact...and is now even a stronger possibility because of my better choices and decisions.  Miracles never cease....thank God :).