Reflections

It's been nearly a month since I've written...anything.  I'm a pretty avid journaler, emailer, letterer and recent blogger.  It hasn't been a matter of writer's block or lack of subject matter.  I have gotten a bit busy and overwhelmed with some things, but that doesn't usually stop me for too long from writing.  No, I just turned inward for a bit and did some learning, growing, soul-searching.  I've also spent some time just being alone, being comfortable in it, getting "aclimated".  So now, here's me "catching up"...sorry, it's lengthy :).

I had an experience this last week that came to a head last weekend.  It very much felt like a spiritual battle.  Many of my old wounds were reopened and I cried for nearly three days straight.  Wounds that I thought had been healed long ago.  But I will say my King got me through it.  I was graced with strength and resolve to not engage in harmful "self-soothing" behavior.  I sat in my pain and felt it, free of fear, which was a very bizarre awareness.  I felt that my faith very much was being tested, and believe me, they pulled out all the stops, but ultimately, I was safely delivered to the other side.  On this side of it, I feel armed, I feel strong and courageous, but humbly so as it is completely Spirit-borne.  I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have.  I'm still reflecting on the experience days later; here are some of my thoughts:

Reflection #1:  Giving truly is about giving.  You cannot give and expect to receive in return, or it isn't truly giving, it's negotiating an exchange.  Even if you don't ever verbalize it and only hold on to the expectation of reciprocity. I have two people in my life that I had been sharing with on many levels.  This last weekend I was wanting someone, anyone, to rescue me from my pain and make me feel better.  When neither of these people were available, it was salt on my already bleeding wounds.  I was very much alone in my anguish and in the darkest part of it I truly had to turn to God with my broken heart and spirit.  I've had a few days to reflect on the ordeal (it truly was an ordeal of spiritual proportions) and I have come to appreciate the true spirit and meaning of giving.  I am appreciating the lesson of being delivered from my pain by my Heavenly Father.  If anyone had "rescued" me, I would not have gained that lesson.  He truly is there in our darkest hours, just patiently waiting for us to ask.  I have since been able to let go of my anger, disappointment and pain that I felt regarding the ones I was expecting to be there for me.  And I can continue to love them.

Reflection #2:  Fear truly is an ugly beast.  Along the lines of giving, I had been sharing my material resources with a friend in need recently.  Being self-employed, my resources wear thin in the winter months, and I made a promise to my kids and myself that that would not happen this year, so I have been proactively tightening the belt.  At about the same time, I felt that sharing my material resources was not truly helping my friend improve her situation for the long-term.  So I offered several times in several different ways my intellectual, emotional and spirtual resources to help her improve her material situation, namely in finding a job.  I was met with excuses, unjust justifications, self-pity and much fear. 

Unfortunately, I became impatient with her, pushing harder than she could tolerate, and I feel the friendship has ended because of it.  I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to self-pity (not allowed) and fear (limited to healthy measures), and I sometimes unfairly hold others to that same standard without giving them the room to be who they are.  My former friend's fears run very deep.  They run deep enough to cause her to avoid really stepping into the wonderful, dynamic, successful person I know God has designed her to be.  Those fears have a strong enough hold to allow her to use people until they are used up, and then discard them, instead of becoming self-reliant.  There is part of me that is saddened by the friendship ending, but then the recoverying co-dependant in me also realizes that maybe it's best.  I harbor no animosity, I miss her, but also understand that me maintaining healthy boundaries, fortified by the new-found assurance, strength and courage I was graced with this last weekend, may bring an end to ultimately unhealthy relationships with people who allow fear to rule their hearts.

Reflection #3:  Ultimately, relationships with others don't "fix" the broken parts of us.  As a recovering relationship "junkie" I used to always look to others for my self-worth, for purpose, for value, and ultimately for love.  A truly intimate relationship with God is the only "fix".  Can He work through others and our relationships with them?  Absolutely, and He does every single day.  But He has to always come first.  Always.  He needs to be the ultimate source of self-worth, purpose and love.  Having that sort of relationship with God will guard your heart and vulnerabilities against the pain that we as humans can inflict on each other in our relationships.  It gives us the autonomy to not be defensive, to be compassionate and non-judgemental, to be more truly loving and giving in our relationships with others.  That one-on-one relationship with God also gives us the independance to gracefully and lovingly mend or end the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in.  

How do we know He's working His Plan through our relationships with each other?  When the relationships encourage you, when they challenge you and build you up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When you are a better person for having participated in the relationship, even if it does come to an end.  I believe that God puts every single person in your life, and you in theirs for a mutual purpose of spiritual growth.  It's up to us to choose that path with that person.  I'd even venture to say that every conflict in a relationship has it's origin in a spiritual conflict.  Get right with God, get right with each other, and you can't go wrong.

Please take time to reflect on even your painful experiences, instead of ignoring them or stuffing them.  Talk them over with yourself and with God.  Learn from them, grow in leaps and bounds from them. They may just be part of the Big Plan, so make the most of 'em.  With lots of love....

The Art of Being Alone...not Lonely.

Every so often I catch myself craving time to myself.  I work a pretty intense job, I have kids, an active social life, a newly blossoming romance....but I need my "me time".  Being a recovering co-dependant, this is new to me.  Even if I was alone, I was constantly on the phone, or texting, emailing, on Facebook or dating sites.  I was too lonely to learn how to be alone.

But as my relationship with God grows my need for constant interaction with others diminishes.  And I've noticed all of my relationships have improved.  My previously unhealthy relationship habits are falling away and I'm truly becoming a good friend that doesn't need to dominate or control or give constant advice.  I listen.  I empathize, sometimes even with patience :).  I wait until asked before offering my thoughts.  My sense of value comes from my relationship with God now, so I no longer need my relationships to validate who I am.  My relationships have moved to being more balanced..and when the scales start to tip one way or the other a little too far I'm recognizing it.  And instead of reacting to the imbalance, I'm being thoughtful in my actions to correct the balance.  I may not always go about it in the best way, but I'm learning.

Because God loves me and accepts me for who I am...I no longer fear rejection from others.  I no longer worry so much about what others think or how I'm making them feel.  I no longer worry about being lonely and am content in being alone.  I'm not just ok taking a romance slowly, but see the beauty in letting it develop at it's own pace, and I am completely understanding why romance should unfold slowly.  I've decided to live a life of love, loving God, myself and all others.  If I mistakenly hurt someone, I make ammends as soon as I can do so sincerely and authentically.

Spending time alone allows me space to heal from old wounds and fresh ones, it creates enough perspective that I can respond with love and compassion.  Spending time alone in prayer and meditation expands my faith and feeds my hopes and dreams...some of which are sharing my life with an amazing man, that will continue to allow me my "aloneness".

I challenge readers to start deliberately spending time alone with God.  Invest in that relationship, and all of your other relationships will improve dramatically.  I promise. :).

Baggage...We've All Got It.

It amazes me, that no matter how much we think we've offloaded our emotional baggage, how quickly we pick it right back up.  I had an experience this week with someone that I love dearly.  We have a history that includes emotionally hurtful behavior that we are openly aware of and neither of us wants to continue.

A certain set of circumstances occurred, and I expected him to react a certain way that would cause him to be hurtful to me.  He actually didn't react in the old way, maintained control of his feelings, and acted in a very positive, constructive, not hurtful way.  But guess how I reacted?  I reacted as if he had behaved as he had in the past!  And worse, I treated him as if he had behaved as he would have previously.  It was my old emotional imprint of feeling unimportant and rejected and shameful as I had felt in our previous relationship.

Thankfully, through some serious prayer and physical meditation (3.5 mile hike in steep terrain!) I saw things plainly and relatively quickly.  We were presented with reoccurring circumstances, he acted very deliberately in a way that should have helped me feel respected and valued.  Instead I reacted with anger and mistrust, and pulled away a bit from the relationship.  I tried to pressure him into taking an action that would make me feel better, but would not have been the wisest course of action.  Thank goodness God showed me my error.

Today I was able to speak plainly about my reactions, apologize and express gratitude for this person's correct actions, that required a good deal of courage, trusting me and faith on his part.  I set down my baggage and extended my hand.  He was very gracious, understanding and appreciative......and love continues.

Growing Pains

Most folks think of personal growth as a joyous process....and for the most part it usually is.  Three years ago I was facing a very desperate situation in my marriage that had affected me very deeply as a person.  The dynamics of my relationship had reduced me to dust, emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually.  Through a series of truly miraculous events, God led me out of that harmful situation.  Thus began a long, diligent process of healing, recovery and growth.  Much of it was pretty messy, but there have been some truly graceful moments laced with ample amounts of joy.

One of those miraculous events presented a possibility, an opportunity that my heart of hearts has been hoping and wishing for, for the better part of three years.  That opportunity may be here, or very nearly here...and yesterday I had to face some hard truths about myself and this particular situation.  My personal growth has brought me to a place where I am having to choose to follow God's will, to honor the person I've become, at the risk of losing this long hoped for opportunity.  It was a truly painful experience, emotionally and even spiritually, to make a choice that I knew I had to make, possibly jeopardizing this opportunity.  But then even more bittersweet and painful in a way was that I was ok with it.  It felt good to make such a strong and certain choice that I knew was right, but it was sad to feel the potential loss, and feel it so deeply.

I had been reading in the gospel of Luke, about the cost of being a believer, and that before committing to follow Christ, you should carefully weigh the cost of such a decision.  Regardless of your denomination or philosophy, choosing to live a life of a higher degree of ethical, moral and spiritual standards is going to cost you.  Sometimes quite dearly. But in our increasingly narcissistic society where a constant tug of war of manipulation and compromise are tearing our moral fabric to shreds, I was sadly happy to make this sacrifice in place of a compromise that would have taken me back several steps in emotional and spiritual growth.

Personal growth isn't always pretty, or joyful, or welcomed by those around us, or appreciated....it is sometimes painful, messy...sometimes those closest to us try to inhibit our personal growth, and those relationships end up falling by the wayside.  You can't really go back on true personal growth, some things you just can't "un-grow" and there is sometimes loss involved.  We could call it the cost of doing business, or rather, the cost of taking care of business. For the most part, I've been ok with this aspect of personal growth, this time gave me pause, however. I have to trust that as long as I stay true to who God wants me to be, the results will be worth it, however painful the process.

Fortunately, my opportunity remains intact...and is now even a stronger possibility because of my better choices and decisions.  Miracles never cease....thank God :).