The Art of Being Alone...not Lonely.

Every so often I catch myself craving time to myself.  I work a pretty intense job, I have kids, an active social life, a newly blossoming romance....but I need my "me time".  Being a recovering co-dependant, this is new to me.  Even if I was alone, I was constantly on the phone, or texting, emailing, on Facebook or dating sites.  I was too lonely to learn how to be alone.

But as my relationship with God grows my need for constant interaction with others diminishes.  And I've noticed all of my relationships have improved.  My previously unhealthy relationship habits are falling away and I'm truly becoming a good friend that doesn't need to dominate or control or give constant advice.  I listen.  I empathize, sometimes even with patience :).  I wait until asked before offering my thoughts.  My sense of value comes from my relationship with God now, so I no longer need my relationships to validate who I am.  My relationships have moved to being more balanced..and when the scales start to tip one way or the other a little too far I'm recognizing it.  And instead of reacting to the imbalance, I'm being thoughtful in my actions to correct the balance.  I may not always go about it in the best way, but I'm learning.

Because God loves me and accepts me for who I am...I no longer fear rejection from others.  I no longer worry so much about what others think or how I'm making them feel.  I no longer worry about being lonely and am content in being alone.  I'm not just ok taking a romance slowly, but see the beauty in letting it develop at it's own pace, and I am completely understanding why romance should unfold slowly.  I've decided to live a life of love, loving God, myself and all others.  If I mistakenly hurt someone, I make ammends as soon as I can do so sincerely and authentically.

Spending time alone allows me space to heal from old wounds and fresh ones, it creates enough perspective that I can respond with love and compassion.  Spending time alone in prayer and meditation expands my faith and feeds my hopes and dreams...some of which are sharing my life with an amazing man, that will continue to allow me my "aloneness".

I challenge readers to start deliberately spending time alone with God.  Invest in that relationship, and all of your other relationships will improve dramatically.  I promise. :).

Expectation VS. Hope

"For many of us, expectation is based on control, hope is based on trust." - anonymous

As I go through this constant process of renewal, recovery, redefining who I am...I will sometimes turn a corner and run into a new version of myself that I had not realized existed.  This last weekend I was warmly greeted and became fast friends with a version of myself that has (finally) let go of unrealistic expectations and now dwells in blossoming hope.  It was a very pleasant surprise, and I've been thinking about hope vs. expectation ever since...thus this writing. :).

What I'm coming to is that just like fear, there are normal, healthy expectations in life and love.  If you set your alarm clock, it will wake you.  Sometimes the expected does not happen, we are disappointed and have to scramble to recover the loss...emotionally, physically and/or spiritually.  But also just like fear, expectation and its counterpart disappointment, can quickly spiral out of control and become very unrealistic to the people and circumstances involved, especially when we are engaged in unhealthy relationships.  In order to maintain healthy expectations, you have to assess, understand and accept people and circumstances for what they are...and adjust your expectations accordingly.

But what too often happens is that we become fearful of a negative outcome and setting certain expectations becomes a means of controlling that outcome.  We often enter into a tug-of-war of expectations with a loved one, without once communicating our fears, needs and desires openly, simply and honestly.  We play the game of "If I, he will" or "If he doesn't, I won't", etc., etc., etc. often fatally limiting the outcome to our predefined set of parameters. When the desired outcome doesn't happen, and we are disappointed, our loved one has no idea why or how or what they did wrong. 

So now lets bring hope onto the playing field.  If we let go of our fears, we let go of the expected (limited) outcome.  We can now start to hope for limitless possibilities that exceed all of our expectations.  And hope always exceeds expectation.  Hope is rooted in Faith that God has a plan for us, that His plan is far more vast and comprehensive than we can imagine.  Hope is the little sister to Love, the two often holding hands, whistling and skipping down God's path ahead of us, clearing the way for a miraculous, abundant life.  And all it takes is Faith, or trust, that God loves us.  Wherever Faith goes, Love and Hope are sure to follow.

This is all nice and airy-fairy...but how does it apply to our life, everyday?  I'll share the moment I had this weekend.  I have a love interest that has recently re-entered my life.  When we knew each other before our circumstances were far from ideal, practically and morally.  I was also very fear driven, and would get very upset and disappointed, which I often took out on him, when he had to cancel plans with me, usually by just not showing up.  Our circumstances have changed, we are taking the slower, "right" path...there has been much forgiveness for past transgressions and much more acceptance and understanding....and apparently I no longer live in a fearful state. 

I had invited him to a Labor Day BBQ at a friend's home, and clearly said that it was an open invitation only, I wasn't expecting him to join me.  The morning of, he texted me that he wouldn't be joining, and was very defensive about it.  He was reacting to an expected backlash from me...  But, he had acted differently than before, and I am not the same person I was before.  He spoke his true feelings and maintained what was right and best for him in the situation.  The no longer fearful version of me was able to immediately recognize that, not be hurt or offended, and was able to honor it with nothing but reassurance and support.  No hurt feelings, no disappointment, we both went on with our happy day doing exactly what we wanted to do.  Sure, I was mildly disappointed at not getting to see him, but we would not have enjoyed our time together if he was there out of obligation or fear of disappointing me.

Who expects flowers to grow in pavement?  Hope does.

So the real-in-my-life conclusion I came to is that because of the personsal growth and recovery I've enjoyed at the hands of God, it reasonable to expect that I won't enter into another relationship that does not include mutual respect of our individual and shared priorities.  Because of my faith in God's plan, I can hope that this man will be a part of that future.

Visions of {fill in the blank}....

I'm a huge fan and practician of vision boards.  I started my first vision board after reading "The Secret", as a part of a work related focus/networking group.  At the time, I thought the book was a lot of hooey, but being a visual thinker the vision board idea caught like wildfire for me.  My first board was a modest one foot by two feet, demure thin black frame.  I tentatively added one or two images a week, never really completely filling it up.  My images included materialistic things mostly, or image conscious things with the occasional wistful hope for my mostly hopeless life.

Today my vision board takes up the better part of one of my bedroom walls, it's sturdy, with a wide, decorative red frame (red is my favorite color!).  I often remove everything and spend an entire day filling it up until I run out of space...overflowing onto the wall around it.  My most recent re-vision :) includes almost nothing material, every image and word on the board is related or connected to a principle.  And yes, Faith, Hope, Love and Grace are central themes.  My metamorphosis is physically, emotionally and spiritually awe-striking and deeply humbling.

I started my first board over three years ago.  I placed the impossible on that board.  Today, I'm 70 pounds lighter, I'm single, free of a harmful marriage, I'm financially at ease, I'm on speaking terms with God again......and I wake up with joy every single morning.  I really do, there are no more mornings of dread and disappointment.  My first vision board was a conglomeration of unconscious, unspoken prayers.  Things I know needed to change in my life, but I was at a complete loss as to how to make those changes happen.  Today my vision board is clear, conscious, detailed, specific intentions about the person I want to be.  My teenage boys even put things on my board, because they've seen results in my life.

I truly believe that God has a plan for us, and that part of that plan is us being fulfilled, happy individuals.  It's ok for us to ask for what we want.  God knows our heart, He knows our intentions and He knows what we need.  He is an expert at reading between the lines of our hopes and fears.  Maybe we ask for a million dollars...He knows we are asking for financial security.  We may not receive a million dollars, but we will receive abundance in a million different ways.  We may ask for new clothes, a fancy car, a big house.  What He hears is that we want to feel good about ourselves.  We may not receive materialistic goods, but we may receive an opportunity to better ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Recently I went through a book with a handful of other people in a workshop.  I think the single most important lesson I learned from this experience was the importance of setting goals, of setting the intention to fulfill that goal and then letting go of the outcome.  I know it sounds contradictory.  But it goes back to sharing our hopes, fears and desires with God, being willing to do the footwork while being accepting of whatever possible outcome God has in store for us.  In my personal experience, God's answers to my prayers, conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken always far exceed any expectation I ever have.  And one of the best side effects is not having to worry, or be fearful, or be stressed out.  My heart is right, I'm doing my utmost best, the rest is happily in God's hands.

So go make a vision board, I dare ya. ;).  It has been my most profound lesson in Faith, thus far.

And Then There Was One.....

I've been single for nearly three years now.  It has not been glamorous and at times it has been far from gracious.  It's been sometimes messy and at other times it's been a downright train wreck.  But the beauty in it all....is that from day one I put the decision in God's hands.  I didn't do this out of any sort of desire to be devout. Far from it......I was scared.  To death.  Literally on many fronts, but spiritually most of all.

It was a warm evening in late summer, near dusk.  I was pacing a deck on a house that backed to acres upon acres of wilderness.  The sun was setting and the stars were starting to blossom in the night sky.  An unseasonably warm wind was blowing about, my hair whipping up now and again, my skirt getting caught at the wind's whim.  I had the means to leave, I had the opportunity, the timing was right...but I was so scared. I was scared of being on my own, scared of being alone, scared of hurting myself and my kids, and even my husband, scared of failing.  As I paced I argued and debated with myself all of the pros and cons until I thought myself in circles.

Finally, I just gave up.  I stopped pacing, I started crying...and I prayed.  This may not seem like a big deal, and to many of you it'd be a "no-brainer".  But this was my first real, conscious communication with God in years.  I had been very angry with God about many things.  So me making a desperate plea from a broken heart was equivalent to the destruction of the Berlin Wall.  It was no small thing and changed the course of my life. 

I put the whole mess of emotions, doubts, fears and shy hopes in God's hands.  I asked that He make the decision for me, and that He guide my path effortlessly in either direction, His choice, and I promised to obey.  All I asked for was love...that either way it would lead to the kind of love that I was missing and needed.   From that point forward a path unfolded in front of me that, within weeks, lead me right out the door of a marriage that was harmful not only to me, but to my husband and to my children.  I've had friends and acquaintances compliment me on my courage, my bravery and my grace in handling the departure.  I can claim none of that.  All I did was chicken out, God did the rest.  And I thank Him every day.

Since then, I've been traveling a lovely, messy, sometimes-gracious-but-sometimes-not path of healing.  Along that path I've regained Hope for a healthy, loving, intimate relationship with a wonderful man.  I thank God every day that he did not allow me to jump into another harmful relationship immediately, and there's been plenty of opportunity.  He has put a desire in my heart for the right relationship with the right man, and my heart is stubborn.

I have learned to deal with loneliness and longing, with aching for affection, with the need for companionship and intimacy you can only find in a loving relationship with a mate.  Today, I'm ok being single.  I'm ok being alone.  Because my stubborn heart is determined to wait.

Recently, I came across this song from my new favorite band, Little Big Town.  Today, I "Live with Lonesome" by choice.