All I Want for Christmas....is a BIG HUG!

'Tis the season....for celebrating, for reflecting, for giving, for family and all things merry and bright.  But for many it is a dreaded time of year when we wrestling with the little demons that hide in our dark corners. Depression, loneliness, anxiety, family dysfunction and various afflictions of the body and spirit find their way to center stage of our lives.  Maybe we are recently alone, due to divorce, death of a loved one, relocation...or any other normal life event.  Sometimes these things have to happen, but that doesn't necessarily take away the pain of the accompanying loneliness.

I usually don't mind being alone as I've always been a more solitary person since early childhood. I actually need and enjoy time to myself, and almost never have a problem entertaining myself.  But this year has been different; I have not experienced deep aching loneliness like this ever.  And I have to add I have not dealt with it as graciously as I would have liked.  There has been a lot of self-pity involved and a little dancing with the demons, to put it politely.

This morning, as I opened my bible to Psalms, I started reading at Psalms 23...which is a very good place for the lonely to start.  But I read through Psalms 25 and verses 16-21 reached into my heart, soothing some of that ache.  I immediately used this Psalm as a prayer...adding "Father, please.." to the beginning of each verse.  Please read:

Psalms 25: 16-21 ~

16 - (Father, please) Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted. 

 17 - (Father, please) Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.

18 - (Father, please) Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.

19 - (Father, please) See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me! 

 20 - (Father, please) Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.

21 - (Father, please) May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord, is in you.

For those that suffer during this time of year, this is a humble, honest, beautiful plea to our Father for the love and grace only He can provide.  Many that are lonely this time of year turn to various addictions...alcohol, drugs, spending, eating and so many more.  Addictions are truly afflictions and troubles of the heart, that cause spiritual anguish and exacerbate emotional and physical anguish.  When we get caught up in cycles of addiction and sin, shame is close behind and we further isolate ourselves, intentionally or unintentionally from the solution....the company of family, friends, fellowship and most of all God, all those that love us in their unique ways.  

We start to categorize the very solution as the problem, as our enemy.  We play mind games with ourselves, making all sorts of excuses based on the sore spots in our lives...relationships, finances, family history, etc., etc.  We become resentful of our loved ones, of our jobs, pitying ourselves and pulling at any loose thread we can find to justify unraveling our well being, self-medicating instead of surrendering it all to our Father.

If this sounds like someone you know, I would urge you to reach out to the folks in your life that may be hurting, in any way that you can.  Even a simple phone call, text message or email saying "I'm thinking about you" can mean so much to someone that is in the depths of depression.  Invite them to celebrate with you, and if that isn't possible, then invite them to a cup of coffee or drop off a meal.  Sometimes, they are so deep in despair that they cannot pull themselves out, and a simple kind gesture, even if they don't accept or acknowledge it, is the leg-up out of the pit they need.  And pray for them...there's nothing more powerful that we can do for one another.

If this message is ringing true to you as one who is grappling with loneliness, depression, anguish, addiction or heartache right now, use Psalm 25: 16-21 as your Christmas prayer.  Ask God to grace you with His love, providing for you the integrity and protection you need in your life to get through the holiday season.  He understands that we turn to our vices when we hurt, He understands pain like no one else can, but He is also ready and willing to deliver us from our sin, from our shame, from our pain and anguish.  Let Him shine His brilliant light into our darkest corners, chasing away the demons that have taken up residence there.  All we have to do is ask, to lay our broken hearts in His lap, allowing Him do His best work.  Almost more importantly, listen for His answers...they may come as opportunities to serve others, to express gratitude, to heal and to love.  In other words, He will find things to keep us busy, in order to keep us out of trouble.

Wishing you much peace and joy this Christmas! 

Update: Patience

Funny how when you just set your mindset to something it starts to materialize.  I'm 19 days into a 21 day e-course on patience.  The concept and practices have been broken down into bite size pieces that are easier to swallow, digest and practice.  And I feel like it's been working.  I'm knee-jerk reacting less and more carefully and thoughtfully responding more.  I'm always my own toughest critic, and I'm being more patient with myself and others.

A side effect that I didn't expect is how actively practicing more patience is making me slow the heck down on lots of things, really think about them and come to more meaningful conclusions and decisions.  Now when confronted with issues, situations, less than ideal circumstances, etc., I am thinking about what's important to me, what's going to be the best outcome for me and does this outcome meet my blossoming higher standards of self-respect, self-worth, trust and what's acceptable in my life despite the positive or negative emotions involved.  And I'm finding that, for the first time in my life, I'm choosing the sometimes more difficult path to adhere to those standards. 

Why?  Because my life depends on it.  My physical, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on my being true to the perfect creation God created me to be.  He doesn't make mistakes, people do.  My injuries and wounds have for two long held me hostage to other people's injuries and wounds.  I know that that isn't God's will for me.  I have to believe that He wants me to be content, to feel loved, respected, trusted.  And I believe that He has given me permission to no longer tolerate repeated behavior from myself and others that leaves me feeling anything less than.

Saying goodbye to people you love that don't treat you well is hard, difficult and painful.  But through my faith I have reassurance that I'm on the right path, that being alone is better than allowing myself to be treated poorly. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Patience :)

So I'm chronically impatient.  It used to be because I wanted to control things, know the outcome of things...and while there may still be a grain of truth in that, I'm realizing that it's just part of my personality.  My brain goes in high gear most of the time, so if I perceive a solution or a certain path I wanna get up and get goin' on it :).  I'm a doer...another chronic problem, I often leap before I look.  But being impatient doesn't do any good for anyone, especially me.

I'm becoming impatient with a couple different threads in my life.  One is my spiritual path, what I believe to be my calling.  I know on an intellectual level that I'm not ready, but then my heart just wants to leap forth, especially when I see someone in need.  I have to keep reminding myself that I could do more damage than good if I jump in too soon.  So patience apparently is the answer.

I'm also having flashes of impatience with a personal relationship.  This is also a reoccuring theme in many of my relationships.  But this one in particular, my impatience could outright end the relationship and I certainly don't want to do that.  I have to respect the path that we are both traveling and accept that we are in different places, God does have a plan and I just have to trust it.  He hasn't let me down yet and is constantly surprising me, exceeding my expectations.  So again, patience is the answer.



We can't buy patience, but we purchase a reminder :)
Purchased here: http://www.islandcowgirl.com/item.php?item_id=720

You have to imagine my shear joy, relief, light bulb moment elation when I visited one of my favorite websites, www.spiritualityandpractice.com , looking for excerises I could do to expand my capacity for patience, and came across a 21 day course called "Patience Builders".  WooooHooooo! In just 21 short days I'm going to be a pillar of grace and patience!  I immediately abandoned the work I was supposed to be doing, hurriedly rummaging through my purse for my credit card. 

Clicking through the registration, I had the option of picking the schedule of delivery for the lessons....daily, weekly, bi-weekly, or tri-weekly.  Really?  For a class about patience?  How many people are going to pick once a week?  So of course I pick daily.  As I click the "schedule" button, I immediately switch tabs to watch my email inbox for the first lesson.  And I watch.  And I refresh.  And I watch and refresh.  I click back over to the registration page, click my accounts, click archives...and promptly receive a message that says, "there are no archived lessons because your subscription has not yet started".

You mean I have to wait an entire night to start?  Now you're really trying my patience.....oh...ya....that's why I'm here.  Ok.  So the real first lesson has already arrived.  I can wait.  Really, I can.  So I had a good, humbling chuckle at myself.  Stay tuned, I'll keep ya "posted" on my patience progress.

Hey, if you can't laugh at yourself then you're in real trouble, right?  <----- said as I hit refresh just one more time :).

Word Study: Sympathy vs. Compassion

I've long mused over the difference between sympathy and compassion.  Going to the dictionary, sympathy is sharing like feelings, good or bad.  Compassion is a sharing of someone's suffering with a compelling desire to alleviate that suffering.  The example I have in my mind is this:

 A man is walking down the street, trying to carry a piano on his back all by himself.  The piano tips irregularily and causes him to veer this way and that, endangering others.  The man is sweating bullets and is really struggling under the burden.  Sympathy, a frequent bystander, says, "Gosh, that's quite a burden you've got there.  That must be a real struggle.  I'm sorry you're in that predicament" and is usually reluctant to help in any truly meaningful way.  Compassion, a rare friend, on the other hand, rushes forward and picks up one end of the piano, helping the man to his destination cheerfully, happy to help, no expectation of return.

Where it gets tricky, is when the man carries the same piano down the same street day after day wanting the attention from the crowd of "sympathizers".  The pain of the burden is mildly soothed by the attention of the crowd, the crowd is happy to justify their lack of real involvement by the man's enjoyment of their half-hearted sympathies. Compassion rushes forward and the man resists the help, because he will no longer receive the constant attention of the multitude of sympathizers.   Even worse, is when the man says, "Friend, I don't want your help, just your attention". Carrying that piano everyday has become the man's purpose, the pain his identity, so that much so that his fear of losing the shallow love of the sympathizers tied to this false purpose and identity prevents him from allowing compassion to open him up to his true purpose, true identity and true love, that can only come from God. Compassion is then forced to stand idly by, refusing to become a sympathizer.  The great thing about compassion, though, is that it never gives up.  It will keep walking down that street every day, ready to jump in when the man is ready for real help.

In spiritual terms, I believe sympathy is earthly, whereas compassion is spirit granted.  There have been plenty of times where I have felt driven and compelled to help someone in some manner, when my sensibilities said otherwise.  I have had occasion to be graced with unimaginable assistance, completely unexpected and illogical on earthly terms.  Oftentimes, you are overcome with the spirit of compassion and you just don't even think about it.  It's unquestionable and you find your self graced with the impossible, whether giving or receiving in the act of compassion. 

Please allow the spirit of compassion to grace your life.  Be willing to answer when it calls you to act and be willing to receive when it lays gifts at your feet.

Reflections

It's been nearly a month since I've written...anything.  I'm a pretty avid journaler, emailer, letterer and recent blogger.  It hasn't been a matter of writer's block or lack of subject matter.  I have gotten a bit busy and overwhelmed with some things, but that doesn't usually stop me for too long from writing.  No, I just turned inward for a bit and did some learning, growing, soul-searching.  I've also spent some time just being alone, being comfortable in it, getting "aclimated".  So now, here's me "catching up"...sorry, it's lengthy :).

I had an experience this last week that came to a head last weekend.  It very much felt like a spiritual battle.  Many of my old wounds were reopened and I cried for nearly three days straight.  Wounds that I thought had been healed long ago.  But I will say my King got me through it.  I was graced with strength and resolve to not engage in harmful "self-soothing" behavior.  I sat in my pain and felt it, free of fear, which was a very bizarre awareness.  I felt that my faith very much was being tested, and believe me, they pulled out all the stops, but ultimately, I was safely delivered to the other side.  On this side of it, I feel armed, I feel strong and courageous, but humbly so as it is completely Spirit-borne.  I feel closer to my Heavenly Father than I ever have.  I'm still reflecting on the experience days later; here are some of my thoughts:

Reflection #1:  Giving truly is about giving.  You cannot give and expect to receive in return, or it isn't truly giving, it's negotiating an exchange.  Even if you don't ever verbalize it and only hold on to the expectation of reciprocity. I have two people in my life that I had been sharing with on many levels.  This last weekend I was wanting someone, anyone, to rescue me from my pain and make me feel better.  When neither of these people were available, it was salt on my already bleeding wounds.  I was very much alone in my anguish and in the darkest part of it I truly had to turn to God with my broken heart and spirit.  I've had a few days to reflect on the ordeal (it truly was an ordeal of spiritual proportions) and I have come to appreciate the true spirit and meaning of giving.  I am appreciating the lesson of being delivered from my pain by my Heavenly Father.  If anyone had "rescued" me, I would not have gained that lesson.  He truly is there in our darkest hours, just patiently waiting for us to ask.  I have since been able to let go of my anger, disappointment and pain that I felt regarding the ones I was expecting to be there for me.  And I can continue to love them.

Reflection #2:  Fear truly is an ugly beast.  Along the lines of giving, I had been sharing my material resources with a friend in need recently.  Being self-employed, my resources wear thin in the winter months, and I made a promise to my kids and myself that that would not happen this year, so I have been proactively tightening the belt.  At about the same time, I felt that sharing my material resources was not truly helping my friend improve her situation for the long-term.  So I offered several times in several different ways my intellectual, emotional and spirtual resources to help her improve her material situation, namely in finding a job.  I was met with excuses, unjust justifications, self-pity and much fear. 

Unfortunately, I became impatient with her, pushing harder than she could tolerate, and I feel the friendship has ended because of it.  I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to self-pity (not allowed) and fear (limited to healthy measures), and I sometimes unfairly hold others to that same standard without giving them the room to be who they are.  My former friend's fears run very deep.  They run deep enough to cause her to avoid really stepping into the wonderful, dynamic, successful person I know God has designed her to be.  Those fears have a strong enough hold to allow her to use people until they are used up, and then discard them, instead of becoming self-reliant.  There is part of me that is saddened by the friendship ending, but then the recoverying co-dependant in me also realizes that maybe it's best.  I harbor no animosity, I miss her, but also understand that me maintaining healthy boundaries, fortified by the new-found assurance, strength and courage I was graced with this last weekend, may bring an end to ultimately unhealthy relationships with people who allow fear to rule their hearts.

Reflection #3:  Ultimately, relationships with others don't "fix" the broken parts of us.  As a recovering relationship "junkie" I used to always look to others for my self-worth, for purpose, for value, and ultimately for love.  A truly intimate relationship with God is the only "fix".  Can He work through others and our relationships with them?  Absolutely, and He does every single day.  But He has to always come first.  Always.  He needs to be the ultimate source of self-worth, purpose and love.  Having that sort of relationship with God will guard your heart and vulnerabilities against the pain that we as humans can inflict on each other in our relationships.  It gives us the autonomy to not be defensive, to be compassionate and non-judgemental, to be more truly loving and giving in our relationships with others.  That one-on-one relationship with God also gives us the independance to gracefully and lovingly mend or end the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in.  

How do we know He's working His Plan through our relationships with each other?  When the relationships encourage you, when they challenge you and build you up physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When you are a better person for having participated in the relationship, even if it does come to an end.  I believe that God puts every single person in your life, and you in theirs for a mutual purpose of spiritual growth.  It's up to us to choose that path with that person.  I'd even venture to say that every conflict in a relationship has it's origin in a spiritual conflict.  Get right with God, get right with each other, and you can't go wrong.

Please take time to reflect on even your painful experiences, instead of ignoring them or stuffing them.  Talk them over with yourself and with God.  Learn from them, grow in leaps and bounds from them. They may just be part of the Big Plan, so make the most of 'em.  With lots of love....

The Art of Being Alone...not Lonely.

Every so often I catch myself craving time to myself.  I work a pretty intense job, I have kids, an active social life, a newly blossoming romance....but I need my "me time".  Being a recovering co-dependant, this is new to me.  Even if I was alone, I was constantly on the phone, or texting, emailing, on Facebook or dating sites.  I was too lonely to learn how to be alone.

But as my relationship with God grows my need for constant interaction with others diminishes.  And I've noticed all of my relationships have improved.  My previously unhealthy relationship habits are falling away and I'm truly becoming a good friend that doesn't need to dominate or control or give constant advice.  I listen.  I empathize, sometimes even with patience :).  I wait until asked before offering my thoughts.  My sense of value comes from my relationship with God now, so I no longer need my relationships to validate who I am.  My relationships have moved to being more balanced..and when the scales start to tip one way or the other a little too far I'm recognizing it.  And instead of reacting to the imbalance, I'm being thoughtful in my actions to correct the balance.  I may not always go about it in the best way, but I'm learning.

Because God loves me and accepts me for who I am...I no longer fear rejection from others.  I no longer worry so much about what others think or how I'm making them feel.  I no longer worry about being lonely and am content in being alone.  I'm not just ok taking a romance slowly, but see the beauty in letting it develop at it's own pace, and I am completely understanding why romance should unfold slowly.  I've decided to live a life of love, loving God, myself and all others.  If I mistakenly hurt someone, I make ammends as soon as I can do so sincerely and authentically.

Spending time alone allows me space to heal from old wounds and fresh ones, it creates enough perspective that I can respond with love and compassion.  Spending time alone in prayer and meditation expands my faith and feeds my hopes and dreams...some of which are sharing my life with an amazing man, that will continue to allow me my "aloneness".

I challenge readers to start deliberately spending time alone with God.  Invest in that relationship, and all of your other relationships will improve dramatically.  I promise. :).

Receiving = Giving = Receiving

My more distant past had me in a place where I could financially give.  My recent past had me in a place where I had to learn to receive.  I'm now enjoying a place where I can give again.  Our society and culture assign a much different connotation to giving than receiving.  For the most part it is often openly vocalized that it's "good" to give to others less fortunate.  The unspoken part of that equation is that it's "bad" to be in a position to need that sort of assistance and to even ask for assistance when we need it.  Under the guise of doing good, many givers use giving as a way to stroke their own egos, to feel better about themselves, often making their efforts public or bragging about it.  There's no more selfish way of going about what should be an unselfish act.  I can say that I was very guilty of this sort of giving in my past.

It wasn't until I was in position of needing help that I learned the true spirit of giving.  Early in my single-motherhood, I had a serious back injury and had no choice but to let other people give.  They had to give me sponge baths, they had to do my dirty laundry, they had to cook in my kitchen.  They had to drive me around, lend me money, pay my bills and "hold my hair" when pain meds made me sick.  I had no choice but to receive.  It very much bruised my ego, made me feel very needy and burdensome.  It did not take long for me to learn the humble spirit of receiving resides in gratitude.  If I denied help or was resentful and ungrateful, I actually hurt the ones that were trying to help me the most.  I needed the help so I had to very quickly swallow my pride and give the only thing I had in return...gratitude.

At the same time I was very much struggling with money-control issues left over from my marriage.  Money stress had been making me crazy and I would make fear based decisions that left me broke, financially, spiritually and emotionally.  As I prayed for more paychecks, my day to day needs were quietly met through gifts of food, gift cards, small gifts of cash, medical bills being forgiven, etc.  It was through other people's giving that I gained lessons of faith, gratitude and humility.

I'm now, very gratefully in a position to be giving to others, and God has provided opportunity to help make a difference in lives close to mine.  But my giving this time is very different.  It isn't about me and my ego, it's about what the person receiving truly needs.  Sometimes it's cash, sometimes it's a full gas tank, sometimes it's a hot meal, sometimes it's just an ear and a shoulder.  But now that my ego is out of the way, I can give my whole self to the opportunity, and meet the true need.  The gift is not the money or food, the gift is the acceptance and non-judgemental support.  What I gain in return is learning the value of gracious giving, of learning how to meet the needs of others out of love and acceptance, not fear and rejection.

Do not feel bad about needing.  Givers can't give without someone needing their gift.  It's a two way street, receivers need givers, givers need receivers.  Again, do not feel bad about needing, do not feel resentful about giving....you are not giving/receiving actual items like food and clothing and money.  What you are giving and receiving is the opportunity to learn deeper meanings of the spiritual truths of unselfishness, humility, compassion, gratitude, grace and love.  You are being God's instrument of their spiritual growth.  Deny giving or receiving from one another, you deny God's gifts.  If you can have this understanding, then you don't expect repayment for your giving..because in your giving you have already received abundantly in spirit.  All you hope for is that whomever received your gift will in turn give to someone else in need....and there is always someone in more need than you.

Expectation VS. Hope

"For many of us, expectation is based on control, hope is based on trust." - anonymous

As I go through this constant process of renewal, recovery, redefining who I am...I will sometimes turn a corner and run into a new version of myself that I had not realized existed.  This last weekend I was warmly greeted and became fast friends with a version of myself that has (finally) let go of unrealistic expectations and now dwells in blossoming hope.  It was a very pleasant surprise, and I've been thinking about hope vs. expectation ever since...thus this writing. :).

What I'm coming to is that just like fear, there are normal, healthy expectations in life and love.  If you set your alarm clock, it will wake you.  Sometimes the expected does not happen, we are disappointed and have to scramble to recover the loss...emotionally, physically and/or spiritually.  But also just like fear, expectation and its counterpart disappointment, can quickly spiral out of control and become very unrealistic to the people and circumstances involved, especially when we are engaged in unhealthy relationships.  In order to maintain healthy expectations, you have to assess, understand and accept people and circumstances for what they are...and adjust your expectations accordingly.

But what too often happens is that we become fearful of a negative outcome and setting certain expectations becomes a means of controlling that outcome.  We often enter into a tug-of-war of expectations with a loved one, without once communicating our fears, needs and desires openly, simply and honestly.  We play the game of "If I, he will" or "If he doesn't, I won't", etc., etc., etc. often fatally limiting the outcome to our predefined set of parameters. When the desired outcome doesn't happen, and we are disappointed, our loved one has no idea why or how or what they did wrong. 

So now lets bring hope onto the playing field.  If we let go of our fears, we let go of the expected (limited) outcome.  We can now start to hope for limitless possibilities that exceed all of our expectations.  And hope always exceeds expectation.  Hope is rooted in Faith that God has a plan for us, that His plan is far more vast and comprehensive than we can imagine.  Hope is the little sister to Love, the two often holding hands, whistling and skipping down God's path ahead of us, clearing the way for a miraculous, abundant life.  And all it takes is Faith, or trust, that God loves us.  Wherever Faith goes, Love and Hope are sure to follow.

This is all nice and airy-fairy...but how does it apply to our life, everyday?  I'll share the moment I had this weekend.  I have a love interest that has recently re-entered my life.  When we knew each other before our circumstances were far from ideal, practically and morally.  I was also very fear driven, and would get very upset and disappointed, which I often took out on him, when he had to cancel plans with me, usually by just not showing up.  Our circumstances have changed, we are taking the slower, "right" path...there has been much forgiveness for past transgressions and much more acceptance and understanding....and apparently I no longer live in a fearful state. 

I had invited him to a Labor Day BBQ at a friend's home, and clearly said that it was an open invitation only, I wasn't expecting him to join me.  The morning of, he texted me that he wouldn't be joining, and was very defensive about it.  He was reacting to an expected backlash from me...  But, he had acted differently than before, and I am not the same person I was before.  He spoke his true feelings and maintained what was right and best for him in the situation.  The no longer fearful version of me was able to immediately recognize that, not be hurt or offended, and was able to honor it with nothing but reassurance and support.  No hurt feelings, no disappointment, we both went on with our happy day doing exactly what we wanted to do.  Sure, I was mildly disappointed at not getting to see him, but we would not have enjoyed our time together if he was there out of obligation or fear of disappointing me.

Who expects flowers to grow in pavement?  Hope does.

So the real-in-my-life conclusion I came to is that because of the personsal growth and recovery I've enjoyed at the hands of God, it reasonable to expect that I won't enter into another relationship that does not include mutual respect of our individual and shared priorities.  Because of my faith in God's plan, I can hope that this man will be a part of that future.

Baggage...We've All Got It.

It amazes me, that no matter how much we think we've offloaded our emotional baggage, how quickly we pick it right back up.  I had an experience this week with someone that I love dearly.  We have a history that includes emotionally hurtful behavior that we are openly aware of and neither of us wants to continue.

A certain set of circumstances occurred, and I expected him to react a certain way that would cause him to be hurtful to me.  He actually didn't react in the old way, maintained control of his feelings, and acted in a very positive, constructive, not hurtful way.  But guess how I reacted?  I reacted as if he had behaved as he had in the past!  And worse, I treated him as if he had behaved as he would have previously.  It was my old emotional imprint of feeling unimportant and rejected and shameful as I had felt in our previous relationship.

Thankfully, through some serious prayer and physical meditation (3.5 mile hike in steep terrain!) I saw things plainly and relatively quickly.  We were presented with reoccurring circumstances, he acted very deliberately in a way that should have helped me feel respected and valued.  Instead I reacted with anger and mistrust, and pulled away a bit from the relationship.  I tried to pressure him into taking an action that would make me feel better, but would not have been the wisest course of action.  Thank goodness God showed me my error.

Today I was able to speak plainly about my reactions, apologize and express gratitude for this person's correct actions, that required a good deal of courage, trusting me and faith on his part.  I set down my baggage and extended my hand.  He was very gracious, understanding and appreciative......and love continues.

Growing Pains

Most folks think of personal growth as a joyous process....and for the most part it usually is.  Three years ago I was facing a very desperate situation in my marriage that had affected me very deeply as a person.  The dynamics of my relationship had reduced me to dust, emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually.  Through a series of truly miraculous events, God led me out of that harmful situation.  Thus began a long, diligent process of healing, recovery and growth.  Much of it was pretty messy, but there have been some truly graceful moments laced with ample amounts of joy.

One of those miraculous events presented a possibility, an opportunity that my heart of hearts has been hoping and wishing for, for the better part of three years.  That opportunity may be here, or very nearly here...and yesterday I had to face some hard truths about myself and this particular situation.  My personal growth has brought me to a place where I am having to choose to follow God's will, to honor the person I've become, at the risk of losing this long hoped for opportunity.  It was a truly painful experience, emotionally and even spiritually, to make a choice that I knew I had to make, possibly jeopardizing this opportunity.  But then even more bittersweet and painful in a way was that I was ok with it.  It felt good to make such a strong and certain choice that I knew was right, but it was sad to feel the potential loss, and feel it so deeply.

I had been reading in the gospel of Luke, about the cost of being a believer, and that before committing to follow Christ, you should carefully weigh the cost of such a decision.  Regardless of your denomination or philosophy, choosing to live a life of a higher degree of ethical, moral and spiritual standards is going to cost you.  Sometimes quite dearly. But in our increasingly narcissistic society where a constant tug of war of manipulation and compromise are tearing our moral fabric to shreds, I was sadly happy to make this sacrifice in place of a compromise that would have taken me back several steps in emotional and spiritual growth.

Personal growth isn't always pretty, or joyful, or welcomed by those around us, or appreciated....it is sometimes painful, messy...sometimes those closest to us try to inhibit our personal growth, and those relationships end up falling by the wayside.  You can't really go back on true personal growth, some things you just can't "un-grow" and there is sometimes loss involved.  We could call it the cost of doing business, or rather, the cost of taking care of business. For the most part, I've been ok with this aspect of personal growth, this time gave me pause, however. I have to trust that as long as I stay true to who God wants me to be, the results will be worth it, however painful the process.

Fortunately, my opportunity remains intact...and is now even a stronger possibility because of my better choices and decisions.  Miracles never cease....thank God :).

Visions of {fill in the blank}....

I'm a huge fan and practician of vision boards.  I started my first vision board after reading "The Secret", as a part of a work related focus/networking group.  At the time, I thought the book was a lot of hooey, but being a visual thinker the vision board idea caught like wildfire for me.  My first board was a modest one foot by two feet, demure thin black frame.  I tentatively added one or two images a week, never really completely filling it up.  My images included materialistic things mostly, or image conscious things with the occasional wistful hope for my mostly hopeless life.

Today my vision board takes up the better part of one of my bedroom walls, it's sturdy, with a wide, decorative red frame (red is my favorite color!).  I often remove everything and spend an entire day filling it up until I run out of space...overflowing onto the wall around it.  My most recent re-vision :) includes almost nothing material, every image and word on the board is related or connected to a principle.  And yes, Faith, Hope, Love and Grace are central themes.  My metamorphosis is physically, emotionally and spiritually awe-striking and deeply humbling.

I started my first board over three years ago.  I placed the impossible on that board.  Today, I'm 70 pounds lighter, I'm single, free of a harmful marriage, I'm financially at ease, I'm on speaking terms with God again......and I wake up with joy every single morning.  I really do, there are no more mornings of dread and disappointment.  My first vision board was a conglomeration of unconscious, unspoken prayers.  Things I know needed to change in my life, but I was at a complete loss as to how to make those changes happen.  Today my vision board is clear, conscious, detailed, specific intentions about the person I want to be.  My teenage boys even put things on my board, because they've seen results in my life.

I truly believe that God has a plan for us, and that part of that plan is us being fulfilled, happy individuals.  It's ok for us to ask for what we want.  God knows our heart, He knows our intentions and He knows what we need.  He is an expert at reading between the lines of our hopes and fears.  Maybe we ask for a million dollars...He knows we are asking for financial security.  We may not receive a million dollars, but we will receive abundance in a million different ways.  We may ask for new clothes, a fancy car, a big house.  What He hears is that we want to feel good about ourselves.  We may not receive materialistic goods, but we may receive an opportunity to better ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Recently I went through a book with a handful of other people in a workshop.  I think the single most important lesson I learned from this experience was the importance of setting goals, of setting the intention to fulfill that goal and then letting go of the outcome.  I know it sounds contradictory.  But it goes back to sharing our hopes, fears and desires with God, being willing to do the footwork while being accepting of whatever possible outcome God has in store for us.  In my personal experience, God's answers to my prayers, conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken always far exceed any expectation I ever have.  And one of the best side effects is not having to worry, or be fearful, or be stressed out.  My heart is right, I'm doing my utmost best, the rest is happily in God's hands.

So go make a vision board, I dare ya. ;).  It has been my most profound lesson in Faith, thus far.

Not Broken...Just Needing a Break

So Siri can't help you blow your brains out.  Just one more obstacle to my day today.  I asked, but she couldn't even find me a suicide prevention hotline.  My iPhone is fired!  And my laptop can tag right along.  For all of my serene, peacful talk thus far on this blog you might surmise that I gently, carefully, quietly help bees pollenate flowers in a field of wild clover in an ever perpetual summer.  I'm actually purposefully self-employed at a fairly stressful, difficult, thankless profession that I do love on most days.  I negotiate with the Big Banksters 5-6 days a week on behalf of the little guy, who is even embarrassed they need me.  Today the banksters pulled out all the stops and gave me a run for my money.  I'll take the win in small victories, today, thank you very much.  They certainly ran me down, though.

Truly, this has to be God's front porch, right?

The work I do is mentally exhausting.  Sometimes I have to leave the office to "take a lap" around the building.  We keep a picture book of a very cute dog to take the tension down a peg or two.  Or I visit www.cuteoverload.com somewhere in my 47th minute of being on hold after my 8th call transfer to yet another person that cannot help me figure out where the bank lost our file.  Which is actually a huge improvement over the wood chopping I used to do in my garage when I first started this work.

I sometimes wonder why I stay in it.  Why, day after day, I choose to suit up and hit the ground running for people that would rather not need my services, going up against organizations that don't really want to cooperate and go out of their way to make my job difficult, tedious and mind-blowing in the wrong sense of the term.  I know why I do it, though.  I love doing the right thing, I love fighting for the underdog, I love winning for all of the right reasons and in the right ways.  And I love knowing that I've helped someone with what I do, each and every day.  And I love sleeping at night, knowing I've done good. 

The opportunity was presented to me at a time when I needed a bridge financially, but also out of my harmful marriage.  This work I do allowed me to work from home, afforded a similar income and allowed me the time and space mentally and emotionally to cope not only with my life transition but to help my kids transition with theirs, which was not their choice and a more difficult move in many respects. 

So my stressful, thankless, complex and difficult work has been a true blessing and rolling up my sleeves and going to work everyday, sometimes 6 a.m. to 8 p.m., is a committed gesture of gratitude on my part to the owner of my company and to my heavenly Father.  His timing is always perfect, He's always got the perfect players in the game right when they're needed.  I'm happy to be that person in my clients' lives, even if it's exhausting sometimes.

Ok, back at it, getting ready for a 6:00 pm client consultation. :)

Overthinkeritis.....God Bless This Mess I've Made

I'm a dyed in the wool chronic overthinker.  A worrywort with a high IQ.  With (not so) brief flashes of control freak.  But I'm not OCD.  OCD.  OCD.  I can think myself into a frenzy that makes a perfect storm of crazymaking look like a gentle summer evening breeze.  I can literally worry myself sick with migraines, insomnia, exacerbation of my chronic illness, weight gain.  Please join me in saying, "That's no way to live"...and follow it up with a hearty "Amen!".

Someone pretty Awesome and Amazing whispered in my ear once, "Have faith".  Not only am I an overthinker, but I'm stubborn to boot.  I really am too smart for my own good and become my own worst enemy.  But, fine...faith.  So I set about studying, testing, proving and disproving faith.  I read books, I read the bible, I talked about it, I prayed about it.  When I was first exploring faith, I was also becoming newly re-acquainted with God after a long period of The Silent Treatment.  So I would pray these long, elaborate prayers telling God how things were going to go.  I'm sure if you listened in it would have sounded like trade negotiations between warring countries....a lose-lose scenario all the way around.

I'd do one of two things.  I'd get frustrated and/or desperate and surrender a big thing to Him, let Him work his miracle, then I'd take back over to manage (control) the details.  Or, I'd test faith by putting forth some sort of ultimatum about some small issue.  Talk about doing things the hard way.  But as time passed, as I learned more about faith and as God continued to patiently shower me in gentle grace, I became more and more comfortable trusting Him with both big and small things.

Light Bulb Moment!

The key was that I started to discover the distinct relationship between fear and faith.  Everytime I was struggling to trust God with something, I was able to admit feeling very fearful about the outcome of the same something.  Being able to let go of my fears is directly proportionate to me being able to let faith rush in.  As I come to understand the faith/fear ratio more clearly, it becomes so much easier to trust God. My prayers become less elaborate, knowing the final outcome and timeline become less important...and I worry so much less.

Being a single mom, money is always a concern, and this is where God has taught me my best lessons with faith.  Also self-employed, I'd become downright frantic about my next paycheck and where it might come from.  I'd worry about my lights staying on, I'd worry about feeding my kids, I'd worry about gas in my car, etc., etc., etc.  Again, I'd pray these elaborate, self-piting prayers...asking that so and so sign a contract because I really really needed the money for such and such.  One day, exhauste from worry, I just stopped and said, "God bless my bank account". And guess what?   I didn't win the lottery, but my lights stayed on, food was on my table, my car never ran out of gas.  I don't always have money, but I'm always taken care of, one way or another.  Nice side benefit, I've learned gratitude on a much deeper level.  But that's a whole 'nuther post.

God knows what we want, He knows what we need.  But more importantly He knows what our ultimate potential is and how that will work into His plan for us.  Take fear out of the equation (sometimes our first prayer!) and share with God your hopes, dreams and desires.  His intention for you will far outshine anything you can imagine.  A simple "God bless this mess I've made", a humble willingness to do the footwork, and patience is all it takes.

WordStudy: Fear

fear[feer] - noun

1.  a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm, intrepidity.

2.  a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bête noire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness, penchant, predilection.

3.  concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.  reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.

5.  something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of: Cancer is a common fear.

 

Fear: Friend or Foe? 

 

 We all live with fear.  Some forms of fear are actually healthy and necessary...the fear that keeps you from walking too close to the edge, or that intuition that cautions you about a particular person. And then sometimes our "healthy" fear becomes broken or goes haywire.  Having been a participant in harmful relationships, I am all too familiar with unhealthy, unrealistic fear as an undercurrent to the entire relationship.


I've recently returned to church after a 20 year absence.  There's lots of reasons for this, which may be another post or may just emerge through a series of posts about other topics.  But, one of my biggest issues with going to church in the past was having to live in fear of God.  From early childhood I lived a life of (unrealistic) fear in a dysfunctional home...I desperately needed church to be my refuge, which it very much was.  It was the safest place I knew...but there was no room for fearing God in my heart.  I was being punished enough at home, I couldn't be punished by God, too.

Today I listened to my (new) pastor deliver a sermon on the fear of God, which I very much welcomed, as this was still one of the loose threads of my frayed heart.  He explained that the fear we are encouraged to have in regards to God is not the paranoid, frantic, apprehensive fear most of us assume.  But rather we need to adopt a reverential awe of God.  Like when we stand in front of the ocean....it's awesomeness is really beyond us..we stand in reverence of it's enormity and it's power.  

Same goes for God...regardless of your specific denomination, God is beyond our comprehension...we need to stand in reverential respect and awe of Him.  Don't fear what He will do if we "misbehave" but rather fear what He won't do if we don't allow Him to work in our lives.  God doesn't punish, He forgives...if out of frantic, paranoid, faithless fear we choose to leave Him out of our lives, we've created the consequence of not being able to benefit from His love and grace.  He's laid the table with a wonderful bounty, we can choose to eat or not, all He asks is that we come to the table in reverence and humility.


So having lived and participated in harmful relationships and then having to wrestle with the idea of fear throughout my healing process, I've had to define and determine what healthy fear is.  I've had to redraw the boundaries and cement them with my ever-blooming faith and God's grace.  For a time, I flew the flag of being "fearless".  Maybe it was a necessary phase of my healing as I made a clear choice to live a life of love instead, but "fearless" can also be dangerous.  Now I allow healthy fear to fulfill it's role, to allow it to caution me against real and present dangers and to respond without reacting (work in progress, by the way). 


But the real joy came today, in being able to resolve one more conflict with my need for an active fellowship life and my hesitations with "church-going".  "Fear" has taken on a deeper meaning for me today...and has a much needed and respected place in my life.

And Then There Was One.....

I've been single for nearly three years now.  It has not been glamorous and at times it has been far from gracious.  It's been sometimes messy and at other times it's been a downright train wreck.  But the beauty in it all....is that from day one I put the decision in God's hands.  I didn't do this out of any sort of desire to be devout. Far from it......I was scared.  To death.  Literally on many fronts, but spiritually most of all.

It was a warm evening in late summer, near dusk.  I was pacing a deck on a house that backed to acres upon acres of wilderness.  The sun was setting and the stars were starting to blossom in the night sky.  An unseasonably warm wind was blowing about, my hair whipping up now and again, my skirt getting caught at the wind's whim.  I had the means to leave, I had the opportunity, the timing was right...but I was so scared. I was scared of being on my own, scared of being alone, scared of hurting myself and my kids, and even my husband, scared of failing.  As I paced I argued and debated with myself all of the pros and cons until I thought myself in circles.

Finally, I just gave up.  I stopped pacing, I started crying...and I prayed.  This may not seem like a big deal, and to many of you it'd be a "no-brainer".  But this was my first real, conscious communication with God in years.  I had been very angry with God about many things.  So me making a desperate plea from a broken heart was equivalent to the destruction of the Berlin Wall.  It was no small thing and changed the course of my life. 

I put the whole mess of emotions, doubts, fears and shy hopes in God's hands.  I asked that He make the decision for me, and that He guide my path effortlessly in either direction, His choice, and I promised to obey.  All I asked for was love...that either way it would lead to the kind of love that I was missing and needed.   From that point forward a path unfolded in front of me that, within weeks, lead me right out the door of a marriage that was harmful not only to me, but to my husband and to my children.  I've had friends and acquaintances compliment me on my courage, my bravery and my grace in handling the departure.  I can claim none of that.  All I did was chicken out, God did the rest.  And I thank Him every day.

Since then, I've been traveling a lovely, messy, sometimes-gracious-but-sometimes-not path of healing.  Along that path I've regained Hope for a healthy, loving, intimate relationship with a wonderful man.  I thank God every day that he did not allow me to jump into another harmful relationship immediately, and there's been plenty of opportunity.  He has put a desire in my heart for the right relationship with the right man, and my heart is stubborn.

I have learned to deal with loneliness and longing, with aching for affection, with the need for companionship and intimacy you can only find in a loving relationship with a mate.  Today, I'm ok being single.  I'm ok being alone.  Because my stubborn heart is determined to wait.

Recently, I came across this song from my new favorite band, Little Big Town.  Today, I "Live with Lonesome" by choice.

Like a Bird From a Trap.... Psalm 124

What if?

Psalm 124

1. What if the Lord had not been on our side? Let all Israel repeat:  2. What if the Lord had not been on our side when people attacked us?  3.  They would have swallowed us alive in their burning anger.  4.  They waters would have engulfed us; a torrent would have overwhelmed us.  5.  Yes, the raging waters of their fury would have overwhelmed our very lives.  6.  Praise the Lord, who did not let their teeth tear us apart!  7.  We escaped like a bird from a hunter's trap.  The trap is broken, and we are free!   8.  Our help is from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

"Enlightenment is the end of suffering." - Buddha  

It is when you choose to end suffering that you make the conscious choice to let God do some of His best work...healing.  Psalm 124 instantly brings to mind the pain, fear and anguish I felt while I was part of two very harmful relationships...one with my step-mother, the other with my ex-husband.  I recall very much feeling engulfed, swallowed alive and drowned by the abusive nature of those relationships. I have often asked "what if" I had continued to participate in those relationships?  I wouldn't be the person I am today...I may not have even been here at all.

It is because of those relationships and God's grace in springing the trap and encouraging me to fly again that I am who I am today.  It is hard to be grateful for a painful past, and is only something I've only recently been capable of.  But had I not known that acute pain, I would not have known how deep God's love reaches.  So today I felt compassion for my deeply wounded step-mother and ex-husband, and expressed gratitude through prayer for their roles in my life, the lessons learned....and God's patient, undying love.

I start my day nearly every day with Psalms or Proverbs, usually Psalms.  I flip at random, letting my fingers wander...on not more than one occasion I have felt led to certain passages.  This morning I read Psalms 120-126, with 124 coming alive, right off the page and it has come back to me several times throughout my day.  I've often asked "what if?" about different life altering events in my life...each time being (gratefully!) able to point to God's hand leading me to higher ground, to safety, to healing.